Leadership, whether of a country or of a nursing unit, can be healing. It becomes poisonous when infected with distorted ambition.
Once again, the timeless wisdom of David Whyte (left) comforts & strengthens: "Ambition left to itself...always becomes tedious, its only object the creation of larger and larger empires of control..."
Gladly, there is an antidote for this tedium. Whyte's teaches that our best energy arrives when we realize that "...a true vocation calls us out beyond ourselves; breaks our heart in the process and then humbles, simplifies and enlightens us about the hidden, core nature of the work that entices us in the first place."
Ambition informed by compassion & justice is among humanity's finer energies. This version of ambition motivated Jesus to walk among enemies, love them & spread that very love by sacrificing his life for ours.
The best leaders in healthcare always appeal to the best in us. These are the people who show by word & example that caregiving is a calling, not a power grab.
The worst leaders wield Fear not Love. So much trouble is caused by males raised to value dominance over munificence.
That is why I often suggest that hospitals would be better served if more women were leaders, or if the men that are would balance toxic competitiveness with enlightened strength.
Whyte offers the best coda: "A true vocation always metamorphoses both ambition and failure into compassion and understanding for others."
“I pray that… you may find light, peace and consolation. We are willing to empty ourselves, to bend low, to wash feet, to heal wounds, all for the dear neighbor.” ~Mother Bernard Gosselin CSJ
The history is complex, the politics are intense, the fear and anger are overwhelming, and the future is unclear.
But glimpses of a hopeful vision will not be bombed into oblivion by anyone.
In prayer, we call to mind the peacemakers. Neighbors of differing faiths with different histories with different politics with different emotions
Who find room for each other in their hearts in their dreams and in their lives
Those who hold firmly to a vision of peace and justice anywhere in the world.
But, especially, today, in Ukraine.
Today we hold with gentle hands our for all who sit with heavy hearts while watching events unfold in Ukraine. Please know of our prayers, concerns and solidarity with you as we pray for peace amongst all nations.
As Mother Teresa stated: “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” Let us remember we belong to each other as we extend care to our one another and our community members concerned for their loved ones.
We pray for the power to be gentle; the strength to be forgiving; the patience to be understanding; and the endurance to accept the consequences to holding to what we believe to be right.
May we put our trust in the power of the good to overcome evil and the power of love to overcome hatred.
We pray for the vision to see and the faith to believe in a world emancipated from violence, a new world where fear shall no longer lead humans to commit injustice, nor selfishness make them bring suffering to others.
Help us to devote our whole life and thought and energy to the task of making peace, praying always for the inspiration and the power to fulfill the destiny for which we were created.
By Elizabeth McCabe (Adapted)
Dear God, May my mind not be clouded today By confusing thoughts that lead me nowhere, Unimportant things that block the truth, Or fears that hide my love. Every instant may Your spirit remind me of who I really am, who others really are, And why all of us are here. Amen.
Troubled by math in first grade, I asked mom for help. "We Chapman's aren't good at math," she said.
Suddenly, doing well at math seemed as impossible as a changing my eye color. That story played in my head, blocking improvement.
Strangely, we make self-destructive mistakes everyday. We forget that we can change those stories. And are the only ones that can!
Every life coach encourages us to detoxify our lives by reconsidering old narratives. Engage compassion and, most important, offer the benefit of a doubt.
Once, during a speech, I noticed a caregiver asleep in the back row. Afterwards, I talked with her supervisor.
"Gladys is great," he told me. "She is the soul caregiver for five children and her sick mom. That shooting in her neighborhood last night murdered her sleep."
My "facts?": "Gladys fell asleep at work. Is she a lazy caregiver?" Then the "facts" changed. I had failed to engage a vital human gift: The benefit of the doubt.
Fifteen years ago a friend ended a quarter century relationship with her best friend.
"Why?" I asked.
"She made a bad comment about my son."
One comment poisoned years of intimacy. She made it worse by trashing her former pal as someone she, "always thought was a narcissistic phony." That story-telling still blocks reconciliation. Who suffered?
Acid corrodes the container. And we all allow terrible self-stories to erode well being & healing.
Decades after my mom's innocent pronouncement I looked anew at math, changed my own toxic story & learned to interpret complex hospital financial statements.
Still, countless bad stories play in my head & break my heart. David Whyte writes in Consolations, "Heartbreak is the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control."
Demonizing others kills healing. It's hard to let go of control, accept human frailty & forgive. Change begins when we recognize stories that need new light.
Everyone of them can be reinterpreted. And only we can do it. It is part of living love, not fear.
A Blessing for All Who Serve in The Ministry of Health Care
May rest find you In the peaceful moments when all is still, In the quiet times when you pause And breathe.
May rest find you In the chaos of the moment, In the sorrow you seek to heal.
May rest bless you an strengthen you. May it fill your spirit And give you unearned joy.
May you find rest in the care of others, In the knowledge of your worth. The value of your service.
May the One who gives your rest Bless you and hold you close. And may you, in your very being, Be a place of rest for others. ~Amen (Anon)
I hope that this w/e reflection brings you a few moments of rest and renewal. Thank you for the many blessings you give to others and may they return to you a thousandfold.
Because it was Valentine's Eve, CBS Sunday Morning featured Cupid. One expert addressed romance in three stages: "Lust, Romance, Loving Attachment," he said.
That last stage is the challenging one, of course, because every rose has thorns. It happens when a couple nurtures their relationship beyond the thrill of lust and the joys of romance & enters the realm that matters most.
It means a couple forges a bond that overcomes days when they dislike each other; when they are focused primarily on what is wrong with their partner. They may think they "hate" the one they once loved. But they hang on hoping love is like the weather & the season will change.
If they restore love & stay together, how? Why?
There are good answers. None are easy.
The parallels with careers follow the same stages. If you are living your calling you began caregiving with such passion that you were excited to start work each day. Next, as you learned the job you formed a kind of romance with it.
Eventually, fatigue may settle in. Routines become monotonous. Patient's problems, co-worker complaints & leader's nit-picking erode passion once felt.
Is this is classic burnout, curable with a break or a warning signal?
Whether the relationship is with a person or your career, we now come face to face with the depth of our love. Obviously, some couples need too separate and some caregivers need to change jobs.
But most people give up too easily. If the the job (or the partner) is your right match then enduring attachment emerges. A new, more mature romance will appear.
My favorite example emerged during lunch with two veteran obstetricians. One said, "I love delivering babies. Hope I can do it to retirement." The other said, "I chose medicine because it was something I could do."
The second doctor retired as early. Last time I saw the first doctor I asked if, after thirty years, he still loved delivering babies.
"Delivered two last night and two this morning," he answered. "Every time mom & baby are healthy, it feels like Christmas."
“Heroism could be redefined for our time as the ability to stand paradox”. Robert A. Johnson
Just as a plant seeks the sun, we are naturally drawn towards the light. Yet, according to Johnson, “Until we have undertaken the task of accepting and honoring the shadow within us, we cannot be balanced or whole, for what is hidden never goes away, but merely—and often painfully –turns up in unexpected places”.
As adults, we devote our energy to establishing our identity, building careers, achieving goals, and for some, raising a family. One of the more encouraging aspects of aging is a natural movement towards healing and wholeness. There is a need to reclaim the lost parts of ourselves that we left behind. As we live and experience many of life’s peaks we also struggle with the grief of loss. Yet, all are invaluable encounters that lead us to the next threshold.
As you may be aware, through the symbolism of the mandala (sacred circle) I draw limitless possibility and expressions of Spirit. The paradoxes of life and the pairing of opposites is a reflection of our inner life. The circle holds a space for the whole of life, encompassing both light and dark in union.
Eventually, we may come to recognize a complexity beyond nature’s polarities. Situations rarely are as they first appear; nor are they simply black or white. If we begin to look beneath the surface of our experience, we may find a deeper a meaning in the mystery and paradox of it all. Johnson posits that at the heart of all spiritual traditions is an experience of communion; a desire to heal, reconcile, reconnect, bond and return to wholeness.
He believes that paradox is the entrance to owning one’s shadow with a renewed sense of dignity and worth. He describes an inner turmoil that arises when our values are in conflict and we can't find resolution. “When the unstoppable bullet hits the impenetrable wall, we find the religious experience”. Johnson sees these trials as opportunities for real growth.
Johnson concludes that it requires great bravery to be with paradox and to accept an “invitation to that, which is greater than oneself".
The line, delivered on the popular show, Ted Lasso, rattled my soul. Not because it was new but because it struck at one of my worst weaknesses.
The words came in an exchange between the show's female football team owner & her mother (Harriet Walter, pictured):
"Why didn't you stand up to dad more?" the daughter challenges.
"I thought it was better to be loving than right," the mom responds.
"I need to be right," you may be thinking. But, have you ever found yourself winning an argument only to be greeted with resentment?
Loving relationships are never about one person being a winner & the other a loser. Love & logic are antithetical.
Before being called to hospital leadership I was trial attorney. My success in court was exceptional. Maybe too much so.My courtroom goal was to win over a jury, not the opposing attorney. Outside court, such "winning" strains friendships.
Any attorney who has told his wife to, "Just answer yes or no," instantly discovers that lawyer's tactics are disastrous outside court. Has anyone ever thought of you as loving when you say, "See, I was right!"
Caregivers often succumb to the trap of being "right" versus "loving." Making the right choices for patients can be crucial. Fear of being wrong haunts the conscientious.
What does Love advise? Arrogance is a form of bullying. The only way to be both loving and right is to practice both wisdom & kindness.
It begins if, amid every disagreement, I ask myself one question: Would I rather be loving or right?
As we navigate through the unrelenting challenges of this global pandemic and the impact on individuals, families, communities and countries. there is greater awareness of our interdependence and the need to help each other to move through this.
In healthcare, I am keenly aware of the devastating impact this pandemic is having on caregivers who have been called to work in a healing profession. In every life there is loss and grief but currently, there is such a prolonged, seemingly unending wave, upon wave of intense suffering. Caregivers are immersed in, bear witness to, and accompany those who suffer to offer comfort, to hold a dying patient's hand as they take their last breath, again and again.
How can we help healers, heal? Beyond compassion fatigue and burnout is the moral distress and injury caregivers are experiencing.
Where do we find hope? How can we help each other through these painful times?
In the following video, Lucy Hone shares her journey as an active participant in the grief process. Research shows that you can rise up from adversity and act in certain ways that can help you navigate tough times, practical ways that are simple, yet profound. Be inspired, spend a few minutes of your time, for this is truly worth a listen!
When on reflect upon the three strategies offered, I am struck by their alignment with the wisdom of Buddhist teachings.
Suffering is a part of life- it does not discriminate
Choose carefully where you select your attention- make it a habit of realistically appraising situations and focus on the things that you can change and somehow accept the things that you can't. (Serenity Prayer) Tune into the good, you've got so much to live for, choose life not death.
Is what I'm doing, the way I am thinking, the way I am acting, helping or harming me?
Hone's concluding remarks, “if you ever find yourself in a situation where you think there's no way I'm coming back from this, I urge you to lean into these strategies and think again. I won't pretend, this way is easy, and it doesn't remove all the pain. I’ve learned that thinking this way really does help and more than anything it is shown me that it is possible to live and grieve at the same time, and for that I am grateful."
May we accompany one another on our life journey reacognizing grief is an integral part of life as we find strength in our companionship. My friend and colleague, Reosanne Ponzetti, shared a cup of kindness with me, offering these beautiful thoughts.
"It takes courage to love a human being, courage to risk loving a person made of stardust, rain, and air, courage to recognize our human finitude and trust nonetheless in the infinity of love.
Grief is love. The physical pain, anguish, yearning rage: All of this is love.
If we are among the fortunate—the ones who love and live long enough—each of us will take a turn at this particular mode of love. Because it is love, grief can be trusted."
I hope these strategies can be shared with those in need of a cup of loving kindness and support.
Thank you for your friendship, love and companionship along this journey.
