Journal of Sacred Work

Days 183-186 - We Hear with Our Ears, Listen with Our Eyes

 A woman I am coaching asked me, "Why are men such terrible listeners?"

   Agreeing with her I said, "We hear with our ears, listen with our eyes. Men are anxious to impress women & get the edge on other men by hijacking the podium." 

   She liked that & I thought I had coined a new saying. Quick research revealed only one other speaker of that line, a fellow named Alfred Benjamin who wrote, “Genuine listening is hard work; there is little about it that is mechanical… We hear with our ears, but we listen with our eyes and mind and heart and skin and guts as well."* 

   His statement is richer by describing listening as a whole body experience. 

   How often have you asked a man, "Did you hear what I said?" as he, restless, waits to speak himself? I plead guilty to to repeated offenses. 

   Women are better at relationships & thus learn to listen with their eyes. Men, as boys, are kicked into competition where talking is one way of "winning" women as well as defeating men.

   Radical Loving caregivers are always good at listening with their eyes. That is why, to this day, nearly ninety percent of nurses are women & fifty percent of doctors. 

   Computers can improve curing. They also drive a wedge between caregiver & patient.

   Women are our last hope of preserving the healing art of compassionate listening. When the majority of CEOs are women (or men who balance compassion with toughness) healing will truly dominate caregiving.

  And eyes will become organs of hearing as well as seeing. 

-Erie Chapman, President Emeritus, Riverside Methodist Hospital

*The only Alfred Benjamin I could find was a German communist activist (b. 1911-d.1942)

Days 181-182 A love Letter to Caregivers

“I pray that… you may find light, joy and consolation. We are willing to empty ourselves, to bend low, to wash feet, to heal wounds, all for the dear neighbor.” Mother Bernard Gosselin CSJ

A Love Letter to Caregivers

Good health is a gift to cherish and your steadfast dedication to serve our community is recognized and deeply appreciated. As caregivers your talents, skills and compassion bring hope to our dear neighbors during the most vulnerable times in peoples’ lives. Your kind gestures help alleviate suffering and leave an indelible mark upon the heart; such is the power of Love. 

Your unique gift of caring radiates from your heart and extends through hands of healing. For you see with your heart and you recognize that the person before you is not their disease but rather, a person with hopes and dreams and aspirations, much like our own. Through your authentic presence you create human connections that promotes healing and changes lives for the better.

It’s not so much what you say and do, but how you live love. Your caring, protects and affirms our humanity. Patient’s feel and experience an energy of healing in a way that transforms an ordinary interaction into a sacred encounter. For in caregiving both the giver and receiver experience healing in the process.

There are countless people who wish to express their gratitude, “Thank you for taking the time to really listen… I will never forget your kindness… thank you for risking your life to be there for me… thank you for your wonderful care… thank you, thank you, thank you.”

You are the ones who after long days, inspire us to keep going and to remain faithful to our calling. Ours is a faith, love and appreciation for who you truly are and how you make a difference in the lives of so many. It is your healing touch that will continue to have a positive impact on the overall health and well-being of our communities for generations to come.

With Love from,
your dear neighbors

Written by Liz Sorensen Wessel
Artwork by ~liz

Days 176-180 - How Humanity is Won

 

Ralph Ellison, the brilliant author, said more in forty words from his transcendent book, The Invisible Man,  than have I in all the words I have ever used.

"I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me," Ellison's character says...

"Life is to be lived, not controlled, and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.

"When I discover who I am, I'll be free." 

It is easy to see why this is my son Tyler's favorite quote.

Thank you, Mr. Ellison.

-Erie Chapman

Uncredited photo from Wikipedia

Days 174-175 A Shepherd's Hand

 

What is a father? What stands out about what good fathers do? For me, my father is the exemplar for fathering:  he demonstrated his love for me, my brother, and our mother, by what he said and what he did! His gave us endless encouragement and his sense of humor softened our toughest blows.  His steady hand kept us focusing on positive goals regardless of life’s difficult and reoccurring challenges.  He combined steadiness from his Midwestern ancestors with strong common sense; he was a problem solver.  Caring deeply what happened to all of us, he reacted in a calm and reassuring manner.

Even when my emotional mother suffered mental illness from the strain of raising a deaf son, his strength never wavered but stayed constant! My brother Ronnie, who also had autism, never learned to speak or communicate except for the basic signing of everyday living including, “eat”, “drive”, “movie”, “after a while” There was one more sign of great importance in our family: “OK” signed by one hand “sliding across the palm of the other hand. We frequently asked Ronnie if he was “OK” and then responded to help him if needed. When mother and I tired of signing, he patiently signed to Ronnie what the magazine pictures meant.

All caregivers can tap these behaviors and attributes in caregiving situations.  Fathering knows no gender; rather it is a way of shepherding those we love as a shepherd steadily tends his flock!  

Written By Terry Chapman PhD
Artist Unknown, Internet Image

Days 169-173 - Meaningful Relationships

These sweet siblings already know their sister & brother relationship is meaningful. And also know very little of the pain that comes when life's relationships deepen. Caroline foreshadowed early awareness when she was 4 & her brother was disrupting her life. She told her dad, "Remember when Reed was in Mommy's tummy & I could not wait until he was born? Now, I can't stand the sight of him." 

Loss is integral to meaning. For 27 years Nurse JoAnn Parker dedicated her life to caregiving. Frequently recognized for her caring heart & flooded with letters of affirmation from patients, co-workers & supervisors she was a model of Radical Loving Care.

Then her supervisor called her in. "JoAnn, we're letting you go. Nothing personal. We've got to cut costs & we're closing your Neuro unit. You'll get severance."  

That was it. 

There is nothing more life-affirming than meaningful relationships & nothing more crushing than their sudden end - especially for the innocent. This is true whether it is a job, a marriage, a dog or other sacred bond. Some people cry over the death of a tree or loss of a painting or destruction of a memory-drenched home. 

Of course, there is no such thing as a meaningful relationship that is pain-free. To think otherwise is fantasy. Still, for those who love the a relationship's death is a killing. 

Healthy relationships turn on love not fear. Pain is endurable if love is present. When fear wins pain becomes an agony that can feel life-threatening.

Is it better to have "loved & lost than never to have loved at all?"  A sufferer may say no. Some never open their hearts again. Others vibrate with the coda of Emily Dickinson's words at the end of "After Great Pain":

This is the Hour of Lead –

Remembered, if outlived,

As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow –

First – Chill – then Stupor – then the letting go 

 

Will Hope rise in Letting-go's wake?

 

The radical thing about Radical Loving Care is that the heart's sensitivity, newly tuned to Joy, becomes exquisitely vulnerable to suffering.

 

What about JoAnn? Her work was her calling. When that vanished so did she & only recently returned.

Will she ever open her heart again? I do not know. Would you?

I sent her the Dickinson that begins:

Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -...

 

Erie Chapman

Days 165-166 Where Civilization Starts

Years ago, anthropologist Margaret Mead was asked by a student what she considered to be the first sign of civilization in a culture. The student expected Mead to talk about fishhooks or clay pots or grinding stones. Mead said that the first sign of civilization in an ancient culture was a femur (thighbone) that had been broken and then healed. Mead explained that in the animal kingdom, if you break your leg, you die. You cannot run from danger, get to the river for a drink or hunt for food. You are meat for prowling beasts. No animal survives a broken leg long enough for the bone to heal.

A broken femur that has healed is evidence that someone has taken time to stay with the one who fell, has bound up the wound, has carried the person to safety and has tended the person through recovery.

Helping someone else through difficulty is where civilization starts, Mead said." We are at our best when we serve others.

--Dr. Ira Byock, “The Best Care Possible: A Physician’s Quest to Transform Care Through the End of Life”

Shared by Liz Sorensen Wessel

Mandala by ~liz

Days 160-164 - The Only Path to Compassion

   Long ago I shared with an acquaintance the agonies of my Crohn's disease. "I know exactly how you feel," he said, "my brother has that."

   He had no idea "exactly" how I felt. He simply knew about being a brother to a sufferer. But, compassion can be learned. 

   The road to compassion runs through the city of pain. Pain burns unique brands into each of us. We experience agony differently so none of us ever knows another's experience.

   Have you ever experienced the superiority of feeling healthy while another is ill? "I'm well & strong & he's sick & flawed," my acquaintance may have thought.  

   "Pain is the first proper step to real compassion," David Whyte writes. "It can be a foundation for understanding all those who struggle with their existence."

   Compassion can birth deep listening, It can turn your heart to what lies beneath the suffering of another & deter jumping to judgment.

   In a Facebook post, Chris York (left), recent recipient of the CEO of the Year award from Erie Chapman Foundation, showed one reason why he is America's finest healthcare leader.

   "My apologies to [former 49ers quarterback] Colin Kaepernick," Chris wrote, "I was critical of his approach [4 years ago] to protesting police brutality and I was wrong...Today, I can’t help but wonder how much better off we’d be as a country had we listened to his message."

   How much better would hospital care be if we listened?

   Staying open-minded. Humility in recognizing a mistake. The courage to publicly apologize. All characteristics of great leaders (& never demonstrated by our President.) 

   Compassion lives at the core as Radical Loving Caregiving: To honor another's pain by remembering your own. To bravely live love to help another. These mark the pathway to healing. 

   Yes. It is easier to advise then to follow my own counsel. Perhaps that is why I often write this Journal to myself as well as to you.

   Thank you giving love whether or not it is reciprocated. 

-Erie Chapman 

Days 158-159 Breath

Breath Written by Rosanne Ponzetti

Breath

Practiced for centering

By those seeking presence.

Often taken for granted

Remembered only when

Anxiety stifles it

Busyness suppresses it

Fear destroys it

Or joy releases it.

Life depends on it.

Too often we hold it,

Forget our need for it.

“I can’t breathe he said.”

And it stopped

For him

And for us

In our horror.

Let this breathe

Become the one

That finally says,

Every breath

is a shared breath

Our breath

Is not for us alone

May we not breathe freely

Until all can freely breathe.

Artwork by Liz Sorensen Wessel