My Saturday golf partner was a gastroenterologist on call. After the third phone interruption he showed his exasperation by mocking his patient, "Doctor, my belly hurts," he said sarcastically. Thirty years in practice have worn him down.
Caregiving is a matter of soul as well as body.
"There are only four kinds of people in the world," Rosalyn Carter wrote - "those who have been caregivers, those who currently are caregivers, those who will be caregivers and those who will need caregivers."
We are all caregivers or in need of one - or, importantly, both.
When the body breaks it seeks repair. We want caregivers to fix what is broken. But, when caregivers limit their role to "fixing" they become mechanics.
Radical Loving Care, Good Samaritan care, offers more. You can see it in the face of the nurse. Her warmth is as important to her elderly patient as what runs through his IVs.
The best caregivers know that illness shakes a patient's spirit. But, who cares for the caregiver's soul?
Where attention goes, energy flows. Mountains of literature address caregiving. Precious little is written about caretaking the critical need to care for our caregiver's souls, to comfort them, to teach self-comforting, to tend to the exhaustion that can sap their heart's best energy.
The caregiver's soul is watered by the wellspring of purpose. Repetition & fatigue can taint that water.
When the patient says, "Doctor, my belly hurts," that patient is also saying, "Doctor, my soul hurts. I want healing." When the doctor mocks that, he needs healing as well. He needs soul-support & the chance to rediscover the deep meaning of his mission.
Vermont is home to some intriguing stone art that accentuates the splendor of her landscape. Whether tucked away by a secluded lake or on show at Lake Champlain these sculptures are created from natural elements. Rising up in celebration of her wildly exquisite nature, they are grounded in peace, serene yet overwhelmingly majestic.
The formations, are each carefully crafted from earth’s own origins, creations infused with a life force with reverence of the sacredness of all.
Last fall, my friends and I walked along the shore of Lake Champlain. I was fascinated by the stone art and I imagined that one person’s sculpted art was a catalyst that began a wave of other people finding expression in this contemplative art form.
What I learned is that these sculptures are made by a Burlington artist; Last Chase who has discovered a therapeutic outlet in the process of creating. Since Retiring, Chase can be found most days manifesting Love's design in honor of Mother Earth.
As with the fleeting nature of life; Chase may find his sculptures toppled by the next day, either by teenagers or some who wish the landscape remain unadorned. Yet, Chase does not mind because he finds fulfillment in the act of creating for Beauty’s sake.
Equally wonderful were the people soaking in the unusual warmth of an autumn day. A glorious day, made even more precious knowing that winter's chill would soon follow.
Our minds are often in a hurry to get us somewhere else. Thoughts can spiral as we think about all we need to accomplish or worries grow thinking about tomorrow. When I find my thoughts spinning I sometimes pause to just look around me. Then I notice that the sky is not falling , things are okay and I receive the blessing of the moment.
You are and I are here! Let's slow down and take in the wonder of this miracle.
At a lunch with two veteran obstetricians fifteen years ago I asked both if they still enjoyed their practices. "I love delivering babies," Jim said with a joy-lit smile. "It's what I was meant to do."
Ed, his partner for twenty years, shrugged his shoulders. ""I'm an OB because it was something I could do, not because I love it," he muttered.
Jim lived his passion until he died two years ago. Ed, burned out, quit delivering babies the year after we spoke & became increasingly bitter over the failure of a doctor's union he tried to form.
In his 1946 book, The Doctor and the Soul, the legendary holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, M.D. ,wrote "man [sic] should not ask what he may expect from life, but should rather understand that life expects something from him."
Frankl believed that we must celebrate the meaning life offers us. The ultimate soul questions are whether we discern our calling & honor it as our destiny. When we do, our spirit aligns with its best energy. When we do not, we risk the continual, soul-killing crisis of meaninglessness.
Dr. Frankl would diagnose Ed as soul-damaged because he thwarted his destiny. He drained meaning from his practice by treating his profession as merely task work. Jim succeeded because he saw helping new life into the world as soulful work he could celebrate.
"The finiteness of life...does not make living meaningless," Frankl wrote, "...death itself is what makes life meaningful."
The thrill of life's meaning flows to those who live what they love - every day & night.
-Erie Chapman
Thank you to Daniel Barton, M.D. for sharing this book signed by his father, David Barton, M,D., co-founder of Nashville's renown Alive Hospice.
“This is the way of peace — overcome evil with good, and falsehood with truth, and hatred with love.” ~Peace Pilgrim
Her quest began in 1953 when she set out on a personal pilgrimage and she continued her journey for more than 25,000 miles over 28 years. She had discovered inner peace and was compelled to share her message peace with others.
"Among mature people war would not be a problem — it would be impossible."~Peace Pilgrim
When I was first introduced to the life of the Peace Pilgrim, I must admit I a small voice of doubt crossed my mind, “Was she crazy? Why else would a person leave a life of luxury and comfort to choose homelessness? What I discovered was a woman of purpose; a visionary, a humble enlightened one.
Born Mildred Lisette Norman, she recalled, “AS I LOOKED ABOUT THE WORLD, so much of it impoverished, I became increasingly uncomfortable about having so much while my brothers and sisters were starving. Finally I had to find another way. The turning point came when, in desperation and out of a very deep seeking for a meaningful way of life, I walked all one night through the woods. I came to a moonlit glade and prayed. I felt a complete willingness, without any reservations, to give my life – to dedicate my life – to service. ‘Please use me!’ I prayed to God. And a great peace came over me.”~Peace Pilgrim
“Just after I dedicated my life to service, I felt that I could no longer accept more than I need while others in the world have less than they need. This moved me to bring my life down to need level. I thought it would be difficult. I thought it would entail a great many hardships, but I was quite wrong. Instead of hardships, I found a wonderful sense of peace and joy, and a conviction that unnecessary possessions are only unnecessary burdens.”~Peace Pilgrim
Throughout her pilgrimage, she walked across the continent meeting people through all walks of life, connecting by way of an open and receptive heart. “I work for my living in an unusual way. I give what I can through thoughts and words and deeds to those whose lives I touch and to humanity. In return I accept what people want to give, but I do not ask. They are blessed by their giving and I am blessed by my giving."~Peace Pilgrim
Recently, my friend, Sue and I were discussing the state of the world. So often the magnitude of problems feel beyond our control and we resign ourselves thinking there is nothing we can do. Yet, isn’t this how problems develop? Too many of us becoming complacent, thinking someone else will take care of things?
The Peace Pilgrim offers us this wisdom. “To the millions who live in this world today let me say that there are many worthwhile things little people can do, both individually and collectively. When I dedicated my life to be of as much service as possible to my fellow human beings someone said to me very sarcastically, ‘What do you think you can do?’ And I replied, ‘I know I am a little person and can do only little things, but there are so many little things that need to be done.’ And I never had any trouble finding worthwhile little things to do. When I started my pilgrimage I was asking for very big things and someone said to me then, ‘You might as well ask for the moon.’ But I answered, ‘If enough of us little people ask together even very, very big things will be granted.’ I can say this to you: Live the present. Do the things you know need to be done. Do all the good you can each day. The future will unfold.”~Peace Pilgrim
Individually, it is true that our contributions may be small. Yet, every act of kindness feathers out beyond what we can ever know. On a walk to the park my grandson, Cyrus noticed a homeless man sleeping on the grass. He said, “Grandma, I feel sad that this man does not have a home where he can sleep. When I grow up I will be rich and I am going to buy a big mansion with a thousand rooms. I will go all around and invite all the people who need a place to live to come to my house. We would need at really big kitchen table. Each of the rooms will have a refrigerator and in it will be really good ice cream."
“Never think of any right effort as being fruitless. All right effort bears fruit, whether we see the results or not.” ~Peace Pilgrim
This past week I asked myself more than usual: Am I a "better" Christian than I was ten years ago before I was ordained or another five years before that when I had not yet graduated from Vanderbilt Divinity School?
The answer was discouraging. Instead of behavior change, my last years have taught me how far away I live from the practice of the Radical Loving Care that I preach. For example, instead of living in the lodestar of Jesus' light, my moods too often driven by Fatigue's turbulent brain chemistry.
Fortunately, you are likely a more loving caregiver. No doubt, your commitment is high. Thank you.
In "Exposure," Nobel Prize Winning poet Seamus Heaney crafted lines both comforting & troublesome. "If I could come on meteorite?/ Instead I walk through damp leaves...Rain comes down through the alders,/ Its low conducive voices/ Mutter about let-downs and erosions/ And yet each drop recalls/The diamond absolutes."
Does Irritation's pesky presence often interfere with your daily encounters? Surely I feel Love's dismay when I cannot keep my garrulous tongue from interrupting the sacred stories other's share.
"Woman Sweeping" (above) has been a favorite photograph for nearly forty years. If only regrets could be swept away as easily as stairway trash. Although no one can do our heart-sweeping for us, I love Heaney's interstellar perspective: "Who, blowing up these sparks/ For their meagre heat, have missed/ The once-in-a-lifetime portent,/ The comet's pulsing rose."
-Erie Chapman
"Woman Sweeping" by Erie, 1978, rephotographed from, Woman As Beauty (Westview, 2010)
No one knew the name of this day; Born quietly from deepest night, It hid its face in light, Demanded nothing for itself, Opened out to offer each of us A field of brightness that traveled ahead, Providing in time, ground to hold our footsteps And the light of thought to show the way. The mind of the day draws no attention; It dwells within the silence with elegance
― John O' Donohue, To Bless the Space between Us: A Book of Invocations and Blessings
Stroke the leaf of a Sensitivity Plant (Mimosa Pudica) & witness one of nature's vivid miracles. The insulted leaf shrivels. Often, the plant sheds it.
At seven, during an argument with my four-year-old sister, I slapped her on the rear & shouted, "I hate you." Taking me by the arm, mom showed me the red mark I'd left & said, "You don't hate her, you love her. She's your sister!"
We love our siblings, right? We share the same blood. So why is sibling rivalry the stuff of tragic dramas from ancient Greece, through Shakespeare to soap operas. One psychologist told me, "Guns don't kill. Family insults do."
The struggle for parental approval is inborn. Your parents can say they love you all equally but kids wonder: Do Mom & Dad love my sibling more?
If that is kid's stuff why do countless adults harbor the same resentment anxieties they had as toddlers?
Dr. Eckhart Tolle says we store hurt feelings in our "pain body." Every insult we ever experienced is trapped there. The more "sensitive" we are the more our pain body poisons us.
Tolle advises releasing old slights by recognizing that it is our ego that is hurt & we are not our ego. Step back. Observe your pain body, how it is fed by self pity & starves without it. You can empty it using Jesus' solution: Love every person who ever wronged you - starting with yourself!
Tough work - especially if Forgiveness is gift-wrapped with Condescension. Arrogance is a sword I have carried too often - always unlawfully - by not practicing the love I preach.
Of course, Love does not shirk responsibility. In fact, be accountable for harm you caused - real or imagined. Resentment is a hundred pound back pack. Revenge adds two hundred pounds. Free pain from the other & your weight also eases.
A tough truth remains. Some agonies are beyond our reach. That cure is harder because hate is easier than love. Live love, not fear. Start by finding self-love.
My younger sister & I nurture deep love. The same goes for our other two siblings. We love through common blood shed in pain & shared in joy. Yes, we still joke about who's number one. But, neither Love nor our parents care about that.
Sensitivity plants release leaves insulted by clumsy human touches. Then they grow new ones.
A friend recently shared this wisdom, “It is so difficult to keep expectations at some kind of reasonable level (the lower the better?)” I find this sage advice so helpful. For I can easily fall into the trap of having high expectations with people and situations. Perhaps, I am really excited about an upcoming event, oh the anticipation! However, as I recall times that I've have not had any expectations, I've often been pleasantly surprised, "Wow, I wasn't expecting that!" This is why I prefer going to a movie without knowing anything about the story in advance.
Expectations, either positive or negative, can set us up for disappointment. I think this might even fall into the realm of self-sabotage. I guess this is what a Zen master might describe as “attachment.” An alternative is to loosen one’s grip and go with the flow. I have some spontaneous friends who are really good at this but me, not so much. I guess it comes down to wanting to feel secure with some semblance of control in life. (Good luck with that one, ha!)
This week I have been enjoying a visit with my son and three grandchildren. Each day we go on outings; the park, beach, zoo, pony rides, aquarium, you get the picture. What is interesting is how a peak fun experience can suddenly crash for a child (or let’s be real, adults too!) Wow, body boarding was fantastic but the sand in the bathing trunks was a big irritant (no pun intended :). The pizza idea was great but why did they have to ruin it with those big chunks of tomatoes, blah!
I found myself thinking philosophically that life really is “both, and." How unrealistic to think in Goldie Locks terms of wanting everything to be “just right” before we can welcome our experience. The combining of opposites makes up the whole of life. We see this in nature, a great teacher who bequeaths us with night and day; male and female, warmth of sun and shimmering moonlight, light and shadow, youth and aged, life and death. How can we have one without the other?
I was tempted to share these thoughts with my grandchildren but decided instead to keep them to myself, as there seemed no point of trying to impart understanding to an overtired, cranky child.
Think about this day. Conceivably 99 things went exceedingly well but maybe there was one situation that caught you off guard leaving you upset, anxious or distressed. When someone asks about our day, it's funny how we forget the good and focus on that one vexation. Yet, just noticing this (with a touch of compassion) can cultivate a greater appreciation for life and welcoming in the both, and...
Liz Wessel's four-year-old granddaughter has magic powers! And little Starling had another message, "Everyone does," she told grandma.
Starling is right. We do have magic powers. Consider yours. Light up someone with your smile, a compliment or any good deed & you will magically transform those moments in their life.
In Starling's world coins can come out of her ears & angels may appear at any moment. Still new in this world she has not yet forsaken her wings.
Although she will never lose her magic Starling will soon exchange her beliefs for adult realities that will vanquish fairies & Santa Claus. She will forget her wings.
There is another view. In my third year at Vanderbilt Divinity School my Catholic History professor said, "Spiritual adults discover that myths & magic are true." Consider religion.
To recover your forgotten wings (& become a better leader) tell someone they have magic powers. When they cast a cynic's eye say: "You're magic to me. Every time I see you I feel better."
While you are at it, wink at your guardian angel & thank Jesus for the magic of Radical Loving Care.
“All that a man has to say or do that can possibly concern mankind, is in some shape or other to tell the story of his love.” Journal of Henry David Thoreau, May 6, 1854
This has been the journey of a lifetime for Erie Chapman. Thoreau’s quote is part of Erie’s exceptional book, "The Seven Powers of Radical Loving Leaders." The pages overflow with fascinating stories of great leaders from their early beginnings and formative experiences to the insights and revelations that inspire.
We all seek purpose in life. Finding meaning in our work fuels passion regardless of the job or task at hand. It is not the “what” as much as the “how” we meet life and one another. Our encounters can create bridges and tear down walls or sadly, the opposite.
In this latter part of my career, I find myself reflecting on 40 years of nursing, the wisdom I have gained and the desire to pass on some of what I have learned to my colleagues who will be taking up the torch. Especially meaningful to me, is Erie’s inquiry, “Do you ever think of the caregivers who came before you?” In home care I think of the aide who spent her days in intimacy with patients bathing them and offering comfort, the on call nurse making night visits to patient homes to provide care and support and the physical therapist helping a patient restore function and reclaim his life.
Erie asks the following, “Do you ever think of the leaders who headed off to the place you work every morning, the ghosts who traveled the hallways before you and whose steps you walk in today?"
"What fields have your predecessors plowed and fertilized for you? How well are you doing harvesting the wisdom of your long line of predecessors?"
"What will your successors draw from the legacy of your leadership?”
These marvelous questions have been guiding light for my heart, mind and spirit as I seek to find my place in a rapidly changing healthcare system. I contemplate the meaning and purpose of our work, recognizing that I too will be one of the many invisible hands that came before to help shape a culture of caring and a legacy of love that will burn a little brighter into the future.
In closing, I pass this quote in Erie's book byPierre Teilhard de Chardin “Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves.”
Liz Sorensen Wessel
Erie Chapman, Editor, Liz Wessel, R.N., M.S. Associate Editor
