Journal of Sacred Work

Days 209-213 The Joy of Caregiving?

   The art and agony of caregiving is beautiful and burdensome. We often choose professionals to take over. What about the caregiving done by parents for sick children or by friends looking after each other in hard times?

   Liz Wessel describes this tension powerfully in her weekend journal story of a husband caring for his dying wife when he is also ill. The "joy?" This husband is living Love's highest expression. 

   From birth, good mother's teach us that caregiving can be so exhilarating that it can unite responsibility with joy. There may be nothing more compassion-filled than a mother's care. Can all caregivers marry joy with need in their work?

   Robert Frost invites us to this wedding in the coda to one of my favorite poems, "Two Tramps in Mud Time."

My object in living is to unite
My avocation and my vocation
As my two eyes make one in sight.
Only where love and need are one,
And the work is play for mortal stakes,
Is the deed ever really done
For Heaven and the future's sakes.  

   How can caregiving be "joyful" when, in spite of your best efforts, your patient worsens? How can you possibly celebrate if you are looking after a once-healthy child now crippled, a parent dying of cancer, a spouse stricken with dementia?

   It is in caregiving, perhaps more than anything else, that "the work is play for mortal stakes." That is when "love and need are one." Only when we are committed to being present to another - in both their happiness and their tragedy, "Is the deed ever really done/For Heaven and the future's sake." Can there be any higher calling?

   Love is the greatest power. Caregiving is its finest expression. 

-Erie Chapman

Days 207-208 "I Know You by Heart"

Bit by bit Mary has lost her ability to do any of the most basic aspects of self-care. Her world has narrowed within the confines of the four walls of her room. Restricted to bed she relies on her husband for everything and quite literally he is right by her side. Mr. J says, “I lie right next to my wife and do the exercises with her." It is getting tough for him. “She pulls her oxygen off at night and begins to cough, so I need wake up frequently to help her and I do not get much sleep. My back is in bad shape and it really hurts to lift her. She fell out of bed and I had to call the paramedics come to help me. I am in atrial fibrillation all the time and I need surgery. We don’t have any children and the family we have live out of state, so there is no one we can call to help us.” The rest of the house has become quite unlivable as this couple’s ability to manage a household has dwindled through the years.

Midnights in winter, the glowing fire
Lights up your face in orange and gold
I see your sweet smile, shine through the darkness
It's line is etched in my memory
So I’d know you by heart

Mary is in the final stage of life. It would not be surprising if she were to die in the next few months, weeks or days. She sleeps a lot and drifts in and out of conscious awareness. We discuss the advantages of hospice and all the additional services they could receive beyond the home health benefit. He doesn’t want Mary to know that she is nearing the end of her life. “I want her to die happy.” He states, “We are not ready”  but a seed was planted.

Finances are a challenge. The reverse mortgage on their home has been exhausted. Mr. J’s most pressing need is to arrange care for his wife so that he can have peace of mind when he is hospitalized. Some phone calls reveal that a skilled nursing facility is not covered by insurance. “I can’t afford to hire anyone; do you know how expensive it is? There does not seem to be any easy solution.

                                                     Mornings in April, sharing our secrets
                                                     We’d walk until the morning was gone
                                                    We were like children, laughing for hours
                                                     The joy you gave me lives on and on
                                                           'Cause I know you by heart

 Three weeks later and Mr. J agrees to hospice for his wife. The transition does not go smoothly. Mr. J provides some conflicting information, which is creating chaos for the team. His universe is his Mary. His sole concern is to know she is welled cared for when he leaves. He worries that she because she knows she is on hospice her happiness has been stolen. Yet, he says, “She is so much more comfortable now.”

Mr. J’s love for his wife is inspiring. The odds may be against them but Love is a powerful force and combined with the service of a caring team miracles can happen. To me, Mr. J's love and devotion reflects Christ in our world.

He is grieving, not knowing if he will come through his surgery okay. He wonders if he will ever see his Mary again. Will she be well cared for? The Hospice team meets often and collaborates with Mr. J to work through the continual dilemmas that arise.  Today he and the social worker will visit the facility together to arrange for Mary’s care. Monday he will have his needed surgery.

 I still hear your voice on warm summer nights
Whispering like the wind
You left in autumn, the leaves were turning
I walked down roads of orange and gold
I saw your sweet smile, I heard your laughter
You’re still here beside me every day
'Cause I know you by heart
'Cause I know you by heart

~liz Sorensen Wessel
Song Lyrics by Eva Cassidy
Mandala by ~liz

Days 202-206 - "When fear knocks..."

   "When fear knocks, let faith answer the door." This is the approach ABC's Robin Roberts has taken as she has battled, very publicly, a range of cancers that have attacked her body - and strengthened her spirit. 

  You can adapt Roberts' lines by saying to yourself, "When fear knocks I will let Love answer the door." 

   Fear is constantly trying to push its way into our lives - fear of pain, fear of death, fear of getting fired. Your response may be to either let fear wreak terror in your life or to try and fight it by pushing it out.

   Your heart has a better answer. Rather then attack fear yourself, let Love flow through your heart. Love is the only natural antidote to fear. 

   In order for Love to work through you quit trying to fight it on your own. Fear is fueled by ego - our human-centric worry that someone or something will be taken from us.

   Love cannot help an ego-driven spirit. Fear's primal response blocks Love and confuses your ability to trust God. 

   One of the reasons so many are fascinated by Jesus is how he dealt with fear. Instead of listening to his human ego he listened to God. This is why Radical Loving Care is radical - because it calls us to surrender to Love's deepest mystery. 

   Since you are human it takes a leap of faith to surrender your life to Love's super-human power. It is a life practice that Mother Teresa described for you when she wrote, "If you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

-Reverend Erie Chapman

Note: Inside Radical Loving Care is now available via Amazon or as a download to your Kindle or other e-reader.

Days 200-201 Risk the Sacred Journey

Each of us stands at the gate of tomorrow, facing the future. At times, we have walked in wonder and awe; at other times, we have moved along in the flood of fear.

Looking back-we may recognize that amid the joys and struggles of this journey we have been companioned-by a grace-full Presence that has held us together and led us on.

 This is not simply a journey-through a string of days and years. Rather, this is a Sacred Journey, one that is reverenced and surrounded by Mystery. Although we long for someone-to translate the risks of this journey into logical explanations, we often find ourselves in the foreign land of faith.

 We stand on the edge of our hopes and dreams and ask in trust to be led and supported by a Love and Energy much larger than we can imagine. We ask to walk here in courage and integrity, as we attempt to discern the voice of God amid the cacophony of our doubts and fear.

 To risk the journey and the face of the future-is simply to walk in faith, for there are no words-that capture the massive Mystery of God.

 We stand, clothed in grace and showered with blessing. At times we see the flecks of light; at other times we see only the shadows of the silhouette. But always, both in our knowing and in our unknowing, we are escorted into tomorrow by Love, who gives us everything we need.

By Doris Klein CSA

Contributed by ~liz Sorensen Wessel

Photo of Laura & Noel's Garden, New Hampshire, June 2013 

Days 198-199 - The Genius of Simple Solutions

“No matter how hard a problem appeared, he always assumed there was a simpler solution, and usually this led him to finding one.”    -from The New York Times obituary on IBM's genius, John Cocke

   It may be the hardest game to master of any of the popular sports. The complexities of movement, the impact of slight mistakes and the frustration that follows any miss can make playing it a grueling experience. It uses a ball but you are the only one who touches it.  

   The game is golf. Yet, any game can teach something you can apply in your life.

   That happened for me recently. I started playing golf more than fifty years ago. But, success has generally eluded me. 

   I took lessons occasionally. They were always characterized by a dense set of instructions  followed by this advice: "Free your mind of thought."

   Of course, I rarely improved and didn't commit to the constant practice required to play at even an average level. It didn't seem worth it.

   On the edge of quitting, I decided to take my first lesson in fifteen years. The teacher, a lanky English woman named May Wood, said: "Stand closer to the ball, bend your knees slightly."

   On my first swing the ball sailed out as straight and pure as water from a fire hose. Most of the subsequent swings generated the same result. Surprisingly, I had been doing many things right so that the one small shift May Wood suggested made a big difference. 

   She gave me no further advice. Instead, every other word from her has been part of a pattern of confidence-building encouragement.  

   Of course, it takes more to become a good performer no matter what the area. But, in a tiny way doesn't Ms. Wood's guidance exemplify the best kind of teaching?

   How do you paint a a field with a thousand daisies? One way is to paint just three. How do you paint feeling? The same way. 

   Amid complexity, teach one simple bit of advice and surround your students with encouragement. 

   Isn't that what Jesus taught in just three words? "Love one another." Consider how much he taught us with one simple story, the one that describes "a certain Samaritan."

-Erie Chapman

Painting: Original artwork from the collection of Martha Chapman

Days 195-197 Mission Fraud vs. Mission Meaning

[Inside Radical Loving Care is now available at www.amazon.com, as a download to Kindle and all e-readers, and, for ten copies or more, by writing Van Grafton - [email protected].]

  "We deliver high quality comprehensive services to the local and extended community with excellence, compassion and competence." 

   Although the above lines are from an actual mission statement they could be part of any mission for any hospital. There are three things mission statements have in common: 1) They use high sounding words 2) Staff members don't know those words, 3) They are not true-to-life.

   If you want to verify this walk into any emergency department. Go up to the admitting counter groaning in pain. What will the clerk say? 

   The fact that you already know the answer tells you that the hospital is engaged in mission fraud. The clerk is likely to ignore your pain. Instead of a caregiver saying, "I'm so sorry you're in pain. We will help you," a form shoved at you will ask your name, address and insurance.

   Where's the compassion in the mission statement?

   Some hospitals are finally doing a better job but for the wrong reason - fear. Medicare now publishes patient satisfaction surveys and can penalize hospitals with low scores.

   How can hospitals raise performance to match mission?

   The answer is culture change. Organizational culture is driven by team culture. Both are created by leadership. The most important determinant of employee satisfaction is the attitude staff have towards their leader.

   Every hospital CEO can grow a culture of caring. It starts with holding every leader accountable for team performance and continues with training that teaches loving leadership. 

   1) BASELINE: Evaluate every team for competence and compassion (use subjective & objective approaches.)

   2) THE MOTHER TEST: Place teams in three categories following The Mother Test: a) "A" Teams: every member is someone you would want caring for you mother. b) "B" Teams: most members pass the Mother Test c) "C" teams: most members fail The Mother Test.

   3) TIME FRAME: The board or corporate office should give every CEO the chance to show positive change in one year and significant transformation in three years. The CEO should give every team leader three months to show improvement and six months to show significant advancement.

   4) THE TRAINER: Refer leaders of under-performing teams to a coach whose job is to train loving leaders.(Liz Vieira at Parrish Medical Center and Grace Ibe at St. John's Regional Health System already do this.) If there is no improvement in six months, replace the team leader. Note: top teams should be regularly recognized and rewarded.

   There is much more to it but this is the template. Radical Loving Care requires a "tough-minded tender-hearted" approach. There is nothing compassionate about letting second rate team leaders lead or letting second rate caregivers look after patients.

   Our mothers have a right to expect loving care from everyone. So do we. 

-Erie Chapman

Days 193-194 Because

A Blessing - By Duncan Ferguson

Because the earth is fragile, go carrying it in caring hands.

Because the world is poor and starving, go with bread.

Because the world is in danger, go with hope.

Because the world is living lies, go with truth.

Because the world is sick with sorrow, go with joy.

Because the world is weary of wars, go with peace.

Because the world is seldom fair, go with justice.

Because the world is under judgment, go with mercy.

Because the world will die without it, go with love.

 

Contributed by ~liz Sorensen Wessel

Mandala by ~liz 

Days 188-190 This Chapter "Between Twin Eternities"

   In his work, "The Only Animal" Franz Wright offers many soaring lines. These caught my eye when they were posted by my friend, poet Claire Bateman:

"…between twin eternities,
some sort of wings,
more or less equidistantly
exiled from both,
hovering in the dreaming called
being awake,..."

   There is nothing stranger about your existence than the conundrum called "reality." Time is a trick.

   Before you were born you occupied one kind of consciousness. After your body dies you will occupy another. 

   Meanwhile, your body's consciousness shifts moment to moment - especially when influenced by sleep or anesthesia. 

   Isn't the time you occupy right now also part of eternity - all encapsulated in a single moment? Life is simply a chapter in the endless book of forever.

   As a caregiver, you walk beside patients who, because of their illnesses, may bump up against one eternity or the other. You can be present in sacred encounters where your love meets their need.

   An acquaintance of mine has been lingering on the edge of death for a couple of weeks now. In this moment, she has left what we call consciousness and lives instead in a nether-land we cannot fathom. Comforted by friends and the magic of hospice care, she will soon enter another one of those "twin eternities."

   We fly on "some sort of wings." As we fly, the best among us take our weakened fellow beings on board and try to lift them from their misery back to a better consciousness. But always we are no more than dreaming we are awake.

   Here is the gift you can give another if you are willing to draw close enough for secrets. It is inside the language Wright uses towards the end of his poem:

"You gave me
in secret one thing
to perceive, the
tall blue starry

strangeness of being
here at all.

You gave us each in secret something to perceive."

-Erie Chapman

Note: The just-released book, Inside Radical Loving Care, is now available on Amazon.

Days 186-187 Beloved

“And did you get what/you wanted from this life, even so?/ I did/ And what did you want?/to call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.” -Raymond Carver

 

A prayer by "Ann" called, “The Holiness that Pervades this Universe”.

Oh Holiest of all Holy’s

I pray for the molecules of me

To be reconstituted new, inseparably part of you

Part of this wholeness, this awareness

I pray to radiate at the same wave length as the beating of your heart

To see as you see

 To hear with your ears

 To feel the texture of trust as you do

 May I dissolve into you

 Free at last to know  

All my words, thoughts and actions as arising from praise or longing

 May I know my essential being as awareness and love

May you know yourself as beloved all the days of your life.

 

Note: this prayer was shared in an audio podcast by Tara Brach called, “Longing to Belong” at tarabrach.com

Contributed by ~liz Sorensen Wessel

Mandala by ~liz

Days 181-185 - "Waiting Is Not Living"

   The words popped up in a commercial. "Come to Colorado now," a voice intoned. "Waiting is not living."

   "Only ten more years until I retire," I heard a hotel employee say recently. You have heard the same words from fellow caregivers. Maybe you have said them yourself.

   The language of waiting is woven into our culture and our way of thinking. It can destroy your life.

   If all you do when you look at a photograph or painting is wonder what it is and where it was taken than you have not seen the image. You have misspent the wealth of the moment. 

   Every moment you spend in the waiting room of your life is a moment lost to the present.  After all, what happens to many when the hoped-for retirement day finally arrives?

   You may soon feel adrift missing the challenges of your calling and the companionship of your colleagues.  You may once again wish yourself out of the present - this time looking back instead of forward, avoiding the only thing you have - now.  

   Those partners in crime, Waiting & Wishing, will once again have stolen a piece of your life. 

   How do you protect yourself from these thieves? Next time you find yourself wishing a red light would would turn green turn off the radio and say a prayer for a friend.

   Whenever you wake up on a Monday wanting it to be Friday, think of new ways to enjoy Monday. Why destroy every Monday of your life wishing it was a Friday?

   Stuck in an actual waiting room? Stop counting the minutes you have been sitting there. Instead, count your blessings.

   Love the moment. 

-Erie Chapman  

NOTE: My new book, Inside Radical Loving Care, has been published and is now available on Amazon. It will also be available shortly on Kindle and other e-book readers.