Radical Loving Care: Journal of Sacred Work

Days 90-92 - The Third Energy - Potential

  “I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.” - Helen Keller 

   Imagine if your hearing was taken from you in an accident. Suddenly, the world of speech, of music, of nature, of all sounds, vanishes. Consider how much you would come to rely on your eyesight for the clues to stay in touch with the world.

   Now, think about how you would live if your sight was stolen as well? Now your world is both dark and silent.

   Minus two of your most crucial senses, how would you navigate through your life? In a silent world, the resonance of sound and sight gone, how would you sustain speech?

   At age two, Helen Keller lost both her sight and her hearing. Unable to hear words, she seemed to have lost her ability to speak. Coddled by her parents as an invalid, her restless energy went unchecked and undisciplined. Instead, she raged about the world until, one day, a powerful and trans-formative force entered her life in the form of a teacher named Anne Sullivan.

   Without Ms. Sullivan's Loving caregiving, we would never know the massive range of gifts locked within the blind, deaf and mute Helen Keller. It was Sullivan who enabled the world to meet and be dazzled by Keller. Keller's potential was developed until she became one of the most inspirational people of the twentieth century. 

   In her blindness and deafness, Keller learned the wisdom she expressed to us in this way:   “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” Can we, who see and hear, understand this?

   It took the partnership of Keller and Sullivan to find the energies living in both women. Indeed, Sullivan's firm guidance of Keller teaches us a crucial lesson about Love: We cannot truly serve others unless we have disciplined ourselves to develop and shape our different gifts. We need to have our own personal vision of how we can serve. As Helen Keller wrote:

   “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”  

   Every caregiver's potential exists as a vast, fertile field that lives within. Most of this energy is untiled, un-nurtured, and undiscovered. Work enables our gifts to bloom with the beauty God intended.

   Potential is listed as the third energy because without the energy provided by purpose and passion, there will be no desire to develop our potential or to sustain it. With purpose and passion comes a deep desire to know our gifts and how best to answer Love's call.

   What are our gifts? What can we accomplish with them? With the focus the energy of purpose provides and the passion that will arise when our purpose is discovered, the gifts lying within our potential may begin to pour from us like a newly discovered fountain. 

   Awaken your childhood dreams - all the things you once believed you could do which may now be buried. If your purpose is true, these gifts will begin to re-emerge in your life.

   Let go of all excuses. Now is the time for us to commit with all the passion of our being. Those in need are desperate for our help. With discipline and skill, Love will enable us to heal in ways we may never have thought possible - until now.

-Erie Chapman

[Photo - Library of Congress archives]

Days 88-89 - The Second Energy - Passion and Humility

"If physical death is the price that I must pay to free my white brothers and sisters from a permanent death of the spirit, then nothing can be more redemptive." - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

   As we all know, Martin Luther King, Jr. did, in fact, give his life for his cause. The energy he captured through his passion was so great that it carried him through the forces of darkness and into the light. 

   "Darkness cannot drive out darkness;" he wrote, "only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

   Not only did King's passion lead him to sacrifice his life for justice, but it also carried him through periods when he was reviled, fire-hosed, spit at, cursed and jailed. Unique among great American leaders, he led his army of followers into war with no fists and no weapons. Instead, following Gandhi's example, King practiced non-violence. 

   It takes passion to march into the jaws of German Shepperd's. It takes passion to keep hope and heart when others around you are losing theirs (as happened repeatedly during the months-long Montgomery bus boycott.) And it takes passion to suffer the humiliation of prison to advance the cause of Love. 

   What is the relationship between passion and humility? Passion without humility is meaningless. Hitler was passionate but ego-maniacal.

   Ego blocks Love.

   Passion only comes to those who are willing to humble themselves before God's Love. King followed the pathway of Jesus in allowing himself to be ridiculed and imprisoned.

   In his famous "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" King refused to give way to anger, bitterness and hatred.
Instead, he challenged the conscience of all of us with these powerful words: "We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people."

   Passion's energy is integral to the life of every single truly successful person. Not one loving caregiver has every accomplished anything important without passion.

   All the saints have engaged passion's energy. So have all the great loving caregivers. For the ancient Greeks, the highest compliment that could be paid them at their funerals was that they lived with passion.

   In my experience, the passion in hospitals and hospice settings is usually found among doctors and nurses, not in the offices and hallways of the executive suite. There are exceptions, of course, but they are shockingly rare. Instead, hospital leaders spend so much time trying to placate doctors, please board members, and find compromises that will save their jobs that they come to think of passion as dangerous.

   Since most people have closed the door on passions energy, its expression is typically viewed skeptically. A passion for serving can land a caregiver in trouble. My sister Martha, a thirty year hospital receptionist, was reprimanded for working too hardto meet the needs of visitors. She was told by her supervisor that she was "making the other employee's look bad" with all her "do-gooding."

   Every caregiver knows that peak-performing, passion-driven colleagues, are often viewed with jealousy and resentment. Yet, it is that kind of loving caregiver we want looking after our mothers and anyone else we love.

   Passion is found when we discover what it is we would die for. Parents often say they would die to protect their children. Is our passion so great they would die for something in which we believe? 

   On April 3, 1968, King gave a personal answer to that question:  "Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will."

   Within twenty-four hours of speaking those words, King was assassinated.

   Passion does not always call us to sacrifice our lives. But, in sacrificing his own, Martin Luther King showed us the color of Loving care.

   How do we discover passion's energy? One way is to ask ourselves what we love? When I ask people this question, they often tell me what they like. When I push (an irritating habit of mine) it becomes clear that they have never really asked themselves this question.

   When we discover our passion and find the courage to express it, the energy of this power begins to flow through us. The question becomes whether we can sustain our passion against resistance. How many of us nurtured certain passions as young people that were blocked by parents or insensitive teachers?

   Passion helps Love banish fear. We all need to find our passion, live our passion and, in so doing, live Love.

-Rev. Erie Chapman

Days 86-87 Charlie’s Last Day & The Devil Dog

 Pets are the best kind of family as they offer us unconditional love and acceptance. The therapeutic benefits of pets and their seeming sixth sense in times of trouble are well documented. Some hospitals, nursing homes and hospices offer pet visits because of their engaging encounters. People are simply drawn to these furry creatures who seem to love us, no matter what.The following are my remembrances of two very different dogs that were a part of my family's experience.

 Charlie’s Last Day

  I grew up in a family of nine, my parents, six kids, and Charlie, a benevolent Old English Sheep dog. I would like to tell you about Charlie’s final day on earth. Charlie was 13 when he died at my parent’s home in Vermont. Earlier that day he wandered off across the road, which was quite unusual for him. Our neighbor, Mrs. Brooks, found Charlie behind the barn with a dazed look, confused and lost. Miraculously she found the strength and fortitude to pick Charlie up and carried him all the way back to our house. This was no easy feat since he was a big dog who weighed about 80 pounds. We will be forever grateful to Mrs. Brooks for her incredibly kind and heroic gesture.

That evening mom cooked a steak dinner for Charlie. Boy, he really enjoyed that steak. She stayed up with Charlie until about midnight and gently petted him while her voice soothed him with her sweetest love. She confided in him, letting him know what a wonderful dog he was, the best any family could hope for, and she told him that she loved him. Charlie died that night. I have always adored my mom for being there for Charlie in that way. Our pets become our cherished family members and we grieve for them when they die.

 The Devil Dog

  Some years later, Shoo Shoo, a miniature toy poodle, came into my parent’s lives and stole their hearts. This little fur ball with a black gumdrop nose and cute persona proved deceptive. For Shoo Shoo had a nasty habit of biting people, quite unexpectedly and without provocation. My parents loved this dog, yet the rest of our clan was quite uneasy around him because he might strike at any time and when you least expected. We worried that he might bite one of our children but in my parents eyes this dog could do no wrong. They staunchly defended him when any objections arose. Once Shoo Shoo attacked my mom, giving her a bad bite on her hand, still her loyalty was unshaken. His temperament grew worse with age and we cautiously avoided him. If he jumped up on the couch and sat next to one of us, our movements froze in a statue pose. Our family, with the exception of my parents, came to know him as the infamous “devil dog.”

In December of 1995, my father was dying of cancer. I came home to be with him during his last few weeks of life. Intuitively, Shoo Shoo seemed to understand the gravity of the situation and he faithfully stayed by my father’s side. When we needed to assist my dad, there was Shoo Shoo curled up in his hospital bed. I was hesitant to move Shoo Shoo but I really had no other choice but to tell him he had to move and gently pick him up. It was then I began to notice an extraordinary transformation, the devil dog had become an angel. A radical change took place in him. He was the embodiment of Love as he kept a watchful vigil. All mistrust and meanness was gone. I could pick him up, and hold like a baby, babble sweet talk, and even kiss him. This aura of Love continued throughout the remaining days of my dad’s life and beyond.

However, a few months later, I returned home to Vermont to visit mom. Unfortunately, Shoo Shoo’s angelic glow was gone and his dark temperament remained with him throughout his old age. I guess in this case it was my parents that offered unconditional love.

As caregivers, we recognize that all humans need love, the warmth of a caring touch, acceptance and meaningful relationships. Pets provide loyal companionship that has undeniably positive effects on a person's well-being. I am curious to know, how have pets influenced the quality of your life and/or those around you?

 “My goal is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.” ~Harvey Mackay

~Liz Sorensen Wessel

Days 83-85 -The First Energy - Purpose - Our "Why"

"He who has a 'why' can bear almost any 'how.'" - Victor Frankl (derived from Nietzsche)

    Before he was arrested by the Nazis and cast into the hell of three consecutive concentration camps in three years (including Auschwitz & Dachau) Victor Frankl, M.D., had established a superb reputation as a neurologist and psychiatrist.

   But it was during and after his harrowing journey through hell on earth that he made discoveries about the human condition and human energy that impact human thought to this day.  

   As Dr. Frankl suffered, he watched hundreds of fellow prisoners die, and a few others survive. He asked himself how the second group (including him) made it through.

   First, of course, there was the most random kind of luck. A low-ranking guard would direct a prisoner to a group on the left instead of a line of people on the right. A prisoner would learn that if he was in the wrong line, he was doomed to death. But the second line, the survivor's group, led not so much to life, but to a chance at life.

   In the second group, Frankl wondered why he and some others found the will to survive, while others surrendered to their condition, often dying within twenty-four hours of uttering three words: "I give up." He found an answer which he delivered in his landmark book, Man's Search for Meaning:.

   "Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love."    

    What allowed some to find the energy to endure was a power that fueled endurance. The surviving prisoners found a focused, sustained and fiery sense of purpose. 

    It wasn't Love in the abstract that mattered, Frankl found. It was Love in specific, purposeful expression.

   He focused this way: He didn't just want to see his wife, he was passionate about seeing her again. He didn't just like the idea of writing his theory, he had to tell his story. He began to view his hellish world as a sort of experiment, exchanging personal hurt for a higher cause. Yet, his love for his wife allowed him to stay in touch with passion and compassion.

   Our personal stories as caregivers may not be so dramatic. Yet, the learning is clear. When we have determined our "why" and committed to it, we can bear almost any "how."

   Without a "why" in our lives, life becomes a daily grind instead of a source of joy.

   When you and I have decided our work holds a powerful meaning for us, we can put up with occasional exhaustion, burn-out, frustration, mean supervisors, outside criticism, or all of the above. When we haven't engaged this level of purposeful energy, then we are vulnerable to a killer energy called quitting.

   Every good caregiver encounters days when they feel like giving up. Then comes the time to rest, reflect, and consult our purpose. Is our work meaningful to others as well as ourselves? Can we yet contribute to helping others by the way we use our gifts?  

   The way we answer these questions determines whether we fulfill Love's call or surrender to mediocrity and a flat existence. Our work does not need to be heroic. We simply needs to express Love.

-Erie Chapman

Days 81-82 - The Seven Energies of Loving Leadership

   Loving leadership is not reserved for people with manager titles. In healing hospitals and hospices, everyone, regardless of job description, is a caregiver.

   Maintenance staff, plumbers, electricians, housekeepers, secretaries, unit clerks, each and every caregiving partner is capable of leading others along the path of loving care. Each can lead by example and by the presence of their energy.

   Most of us understand that God's Love expresses itself through the most wonderful & mystical energy we can know. To understand this energy, consider those who experienced it as worldly "saints" (whether Catholic or not) and those who are anonymous.     

   The saintly live in the world. Therefore, the fact that all of them have flaws as well as the energy of great gifts should be self-evident.

   When they are doing God's work, Loving leaders, consciously, engage all seven of the energies. There are no exceptions. In these people, we see The Servant's Heart.

   Here is the summary-list for your reflection. Each energy is label with the same first letter to make them easier to remember.

THE SEVEN ENERGIES OF LOVING LEADERSHIP

1) Purpose & Commitment: Loving leaders find a high purpose and commit to it. Their lives are always dedicated to the endless energy of meaningful work. Consider (and read about) Dr. Victor Frankl.

2) Passion & Humility: God's Love cannot come to us unless we let the pride of ego fall away and replace it with humility. When we do, passion's energy can lift loving leaders to extraordinary heights. Lovers of God always choose work they feel called to do. They live their passion - what they love, not what they simply like. In the midst of expressing this passion, Loving leaders come to understand that their passion finds its highest expression when they humble themselves to accept God's Love - to accept that God's Love comes not from us, but through us. Consider the life of Martin Luther King, Jr.

3) Potential: Passion and Purpose help Lovers understand the gifts God has given them, as well as the gifts given to others. They open these personal gifts to serve the purpose of their work. Consider the life of the blind and deaf saint named Helen Keller.

4) Perseverance: This is the energy to endure even when it no longer seems worth it - to keep marching forward when every worldly force says it's time to give up. Or, as author Ralph Elison wrote, "to continue to play in the face of certain defeat." I sometimes think this is the most important energy of the seven. It took him all of his adult lifetime. Finally, Mahatma Gandhi, transformed the lives of over three hundred million people as he freed the entire nation of India through non-violence.

5) Prayer & Meditation: Practices that allow us to withdraw to the silence of quieter energy. Prayer and Meditation (including the full range of meditative practices) are a crucial part of self-care. Lovers know that God's energy lies within. They also know it needs constant nurturing and renewal. These practices keep Lovers in touch with "the better angels of their nature." Through prayer, Mother Theresa discovered her calling and fixed on it with such certainty that she became a world model for Loving leadership.

6) Positive Thinking & Good Humor: This energy sometimes seems over-hyped. Yet, it is chronically under-appreciated, misunderstood and ridiculed. Many people think this is "happy" energy. It is not. Positive thinking is not limited to Hallmark card slogans and repeated repetitions of "have-a-good day" . It is the adoption of a tough, mental and spiritual approach that carries a single message: Love will prevail. In spite of periodic bouts of depression, I believe Abraham Lincoln is a fine example of the richest form of positive thinking.

7) The Peace of Love's Presence: As loving caregivers engage the first six energies at deeper and deeper levels, and with humility, they are sometimes surprised to find that they have developed the finest energy of all: inner peace. All of the above developed such a sense of inner peace that it gave them what we call "charisma." Charisma isn't sought, it arrives when all the energies travel thorough us. In this peace, we feel God's presence, and so do others as we engage them in sacred relationship.

Again, every saintly person has engaged all seven of these energies. Here is the good news, all seven energies are available to each of us. Here is the other news, the energy is free but not cheap. It costs a great deal to realign our thinking so that we engage Love's energy.

The life choice to be a loving leader is a daily one. I hope this review will help you, and help you help others.

-Erie Chapman  

  

Days 79-80 For Everything, Which Is, Yes

“...For Everything/ Which Is Natural / Which Is Infinite/ Which Is Yes...”
~e.e.cummings

 
Resistance…translates into no, a “no” to life. I think of the many ways we can resist life; avoid, push away, protect, defend, attack, fear intimacy. Tension mounts in our body, as shoulders tighten; arms fold in on them selves, and anxiety rises in our stomach. When we hold no in our beings we are unreceptive to the fluid movements of life. Hearts harden and can close off. In a remarkable book, “The Naked Now,” Richard Rohr emphasizes, “you cannot start seeing or understanding anything if you start with “no.”

Okay…but how do we get to yes?

Perhaps, we begin by simply noticing without trying to escape from ourselves. To recognize and allow what is, and move through it with our breathing. Energy shifts when we focus attention on this natural exchange of taking in and giving back our life breath. As we center, we can step back to observe our thoughts with a non-condemning attitude. Healing is beyond our efforts to control or fix. All that is necessary on our part is a little willingness and receptivity. Rohr offers this profound insight, “The struggle to forgive reality as it is right now often breaks us through to non-dual consciousness,” into new awareness, into Love's unifying presence.

I've noticed a gradual shift in me over time. At mass, these words are recited aloud, “Lord I am not worthy to receive you, just say the word and I shall be healed.” After repeating those words, I add silently, “Christ I am worthy, just say the word and I shall be healed.” Now, I realize it is not a question of worthiness, for God’s Love is unconditional. So perhaps I shall whisper, “Lord it matters not if I am worthy to receive you, just say the word and I shall be healed. On second thought, maybe I will shout it with joy!

Rohr observes, “You have to start with a “yes” of basic acceptance for some form of loving precedes true knowing.”  I struggle with resistance but as I become aware of it, I can feel myself soften. When I ask for acceptance it comes with a sense of comfort and peace, if only for a while. There is something very good in surrendering to yes. Something life affirming, befriending of both the light and darkness, trusting, yet vulnerable. Personally, I find letting go of illusions about my ideal life, very painful.Yet, I believe this experience is breaking me open to live a more authentic life, and in this way; true blessing.

Faith is a stepping-stone to yes, a turning to embrace life’s ambiguity, tensions and paradox without having all the answers. A willingness to accept the invitation this present moment offers. Rohr affirms, “Ultimate reality- is always like something-clearly a simile or a metaphor, inviting further experience and journey, not an idea with definitions.”

  ~Liz Wessel

Days 75-78 - The Mother Test - Why Loving Care Matters

   Our first encounter with Love likely occurred with our mothers. It is against her breasts and in the presence of her voice that we feel caring. She is our first caregiver.

   I have often told the story of a physician at Baptist Hospital System's flagship in Nashville who approached me about my loving care initiative. I was President & CEO of the hospital at the time. The doctor, an orthopedic surgeon, said to me, "This loving care stuff sounds okay, but when my patient enters the ER with a compound fracture in his right leg why is this loving concept important? I mean, the leg doesn't need love, it needs fixing."

   "What about the person attached to the leg?" I asked. Doesn't the person need loving care?

   His expression told me he wasn't convinced. "Maybe," he answered. "But, it's skill that matters."

   "What if the person with the compound fracture was your mother?" I asked. "What would you want for her?"

   His expression changed. "Oh, well of course, I would want everyone to give her loving care."

   The Mother Test was born in my head at that moment. Why does Loving Care matter? Why do we want it to be radical love, God's Love passing through us, not just some garden-variety kindness?

   The answer is that we want love for those we love. And we especially want loving care when those who are dear to us are made vulnerable by illness or injury. Imagine your child. Imagine your spouse, Imagine your best friend. What do you want for them when they come to your hospital for care?

   Here is the ultimate test.

   Your mother (or someone else you dearly love) is admitted to the hospital where you work. No one in the hospital (or hospice) knows it is your mother and you are out of town and out of touch. How confident are you that each and every person who encounters our mother will treat her with loving care?

   What about the night shift? What about the phlebotimist who draws her blood? What about the patient transporter and the housekeeper and the radiologic technologist and the dietician and the nurses and the array of physicians?

   Hospitals employ and provide privileges to vast numbers of people. Can we be sure that each of them will care for our mothers in ways that we would want?

   Again, the reason why loving care matters is that's what we want for our mothers. Every patient is a child of God in need of help. Every patient was born from a mother. How can we ensure that the culture in which we work creates that kind of care?

   Some people think gaining across-the-hospital consistency is impossible. Fortunately, they are mistaken. One of the great examples of consistency in loving care (competence and compassion) is the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. The Clinic advances "The Mayo Way." This culture is so imbued in the staff that anyone who departs from the standard is invited out of the organization. Millions of patients have experienced this level of excellence and consistency. The culture feeds on itself breeding an environment of world class care.

   Culture determines behavior. A loving culture breeds loving care. A mediocre culture tolerates sub-standard performance and makes no efforts to accomplish meaningful change.

   Inconsistency in loving care is a classic illustration of the difficulty in applying what we all believe. We all want love. Most of us lack the courage and persistence to insure that it is practiced in the sacred environments of caregiving.

   Other hospitals besides the Mayo Clinic (Parrish Medical Center in Titusville, Florida, for example) have established high levels of consistency. Every hospital and hospice can do this. It is not a question of understanding, it is a challenge to the will and to skill informed by God's Love.

   The Mother Test is the only one that matters. Can your organization pass it? How can culture be changed so that this test can be passed?

-Erie Chapman 

First photo, above, Erie Chapman, 1978. Second photo, stock image.

Day 74 - The Fourth Relationship: Caregiver to Self (& God)

"...Finally, I looked into my own heart and there I saw [God]; [God] was nowhere else." Rumi
  
    In 1969, my wife & I and our six-month-old son boarded a plane bound for New Orleans. Soon, that monotonous announcement about buckling seat belts and putting up tray tables "in their full and upright position" droned over the loud speaker. 

   Because of our six-month old son (at left, with me, at age 18 months) my ear was caught when the flight attendant got to one particular part: "If we lose cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will fall down. If you are traveling with a small child or someone that needs assistance..." 

   Back then, I thought I knew the rest of that answer. Of course, it's my little son that needs the oxygen. I will give it to him first.

   But you know the true answer. As caregivers, we need to put the mask on ourselves first so that we can then help the one in need. 

   In other words, without good self-care, we cannot give good healthcare to others.

   It's difficult for for many of us to accept Rumi's words, above. It's hard to realize that God lives in each of our hearts. If we don't find God within, we find God "nowhere else."

   The daily demands of life create a level of noise in our heads that can be deeply distracting. This noise can pull us away from God and our relationship with ourselves and, thus, risks all our other relationships.

   The reason Love needs nurturing in us is that the demands of the world, including our individual appetites, are strong & seductive. We don't need to ignore these demands. We simply need to ensure that they exist in equipoise.

   Fatigue threatens balance. Anger threatens balance. Too many distractions threaten balance. We cannot sustain our strength without Love's healing presence in our lives.

   Absent Love, we are vulnerable to giving into our worst instincts. When Love is present, "the better angels of our nature" (Lincoln) appear.

   We know the pathways to God's Love. What is crucial to the caregiver's relationship to God is true self care: rest & sleep, meditation, prayer, exercise, nourishment, presence with friends, laughter - our bodies & souls need all of these.

   But, where is the time to do all of this?

   The best caregivers recognize that many of these activities, this way of being, may require an adjustment in priorities but do not necessarily take great amounts of time.

   Prayer & meditation: as few as five minutes a day can help. I know a nurse who prays at stoplights. I know a doctor that jogs three miles every morning & then prays for ten minutes before he heads off to the hospital to do rounds. I have even seen him bring his exercise bike to meetings & pedal through them!

   Fortunately, good results, of course, don't require this doctor's level of commitment. Also remember that our work needs to become a kind of prayer - an expression of our spirit across the day and into the night.

   Exercise: 20-30 minutes of walking during any part of the day. You don't have to knock yourself out. Medical studies reflect that those who take leisurely walks greatly extend life span and health.

   The Rest: The remaining things take no time at all: food balance during meals, time with friends including those at work, smiles, hugs, touches, laughter here & there throughout the day takes no extra time.

   Again, if we change our way of being, we don't need to carve out lots of additional time. We simply need to engage a few rituals that will help us make our work a ritual that expresses God's Love.

   Self care is mostly rethinking our relationships more than it is adding big (and unrealistic) amounts of time set aside for extra practices.

   To do any of these things means accepting the truth of the story from the plane ride: that we can't give needed "oxygen" to others unless we first breathe it ourselves. When we open to God's Love and accept ourselves as children of Love, we begin to realize that self-care is the foundation of all care.

-Erie Chapman

Days 72-73 The Art of Conversation

[The following post was written by regular weekend contributor Liz Wessel, R.N., M.S., Mission Director, Saint Joseph Home Health Network, Orange, California. The photo at left is by Roger Katz.]

Conversations,“Like we say at home they are food and drink for the soul, you know?”

-John O’Donohue

I feel fortunate to be living in a miraculous age where I can connect with people instantly from around the globe. Life is increasingly expansive because of access to a world of images, and information. Knowledge on any subject is just a tap-click away. Communication requires less effort with the convenience of e-mail correspondence. Seemingly, we accomplish more in less time, as volumes steadily increase.  Do you ever wonder what we are letting go of when we choose an e-mail message over picking-up the phone?

Social networks reconnect us with old friends and new friends in interesting ways. Technology invites us into a seductive realm of exotic means of communication. Yet, doesn’t it pale in comparison to being in the presence of another person? To see her face flush with color that she is unable to conceal, to glimpse the mystery of his soul in a momentary glance, to listen to her whimsical sing song  as she tells you of her plans, to grasp a hint of his thoughts as he stirs from his chair to look out the window, or the way she brushes her hair behind her ear when you say what you say. Do you ever wonder what we are letting go of when we choose virtual reality over being in the presence of someone?

I can’t help wonder if we are beginning to let go the leisurely art of conversation. I listened to a recorded interview with the late, great philosopher John O’Donohue, (Speaking of Faith, Feb. 2008.) I reflected on four questions he posed. He said, “One way, and I think this is a really lovely way, and I think it's an interesting question to ask one self is this:”

1. “When is the last time that you had a great conversation, a conversation which wasn't just two intersecting monologues, which is what passes for conversation a lot in this culture.” John O’Donohue

I thought about what I want in my relationships with others, intimacy and a willingness to drop pretenses of social expectations to descend into a soulful place. This past week I attended an annual leadership retreat day.  During the lunch hour, a colleague and I ventured into the quiet of the Sister’s chapel. There we spoke in earnest about what was real for us. I want to share my truth without fear of judgment. Do you ever wonder what friend is longing for you to show yourself?

2. “When was the last a great conversation, in which you over heard yourself saying things that you never knew you knew.” John O’Donohue

It has been a while, perhaps too long. Sometimes my truth just spills out of me. I can see why the word naked often accompanies truth. I can feel so exposed, vulnerable, and hope for the gift of acceptance.

In my younger days if my feelings were hurt, not knowing what else to do, I could shut my heart and walk away. Now, I realize that I can no longer close off my heart to anyone. At least not all the way or for long. A window has opened that was long shut. I live in poignant awareness of life’s ever changing movement. I experience fullness amidst feelings of emptiness. In faith, I experience change as a continual turning toward the Divine. Do you ever listen in stillness to that inner voice, which is always present to guide us?

3. “That you heard yourself receiving from somebody words that absolutely found places within you that you thought you had lost and a sense of an event of a conversation that brought the two of you on to a different plane.” John O’Donohue

I have a friend that I have known for years. On occasion, our paths cross. Although she is from India, and of a different culture and faith, we connect on a lovely spiritual plane. When she speaks, wisdom flows. Truly, I have felt as though God was speaking to me through her. There have been times when I am troubled and I do not even share my concern. Yet, her presence knows and her words like honey soothing my ache. Do you ever wonder about that place in you that longs for discovery?

4. “Fourthly, a conversation that continued to sing in your mind for weeks afterward, you know?  I've had some of them recently, and it's just absolutely amazing, like, as we would say at home, they are food and drink for the soul, you know?”  John O’Donohue

Oh, it is a lovely sensation to connect in a joyful way with another human being. What comes to mind is the beloved Sanskrit greeting of namaste. When greeting another person in "namaste" hands are placed in a prayerful gesture in front of the chest while bowing slightly with politeness. For the greeting means, "I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One."  When in this place I have experienced a light sense of giddiness, laughter and at times tears of compassion. Do you ever just love the questions themselves? 

~Liz Wessel

Day 71 - The Third Relationship - Caregiver to Leader - Male & Female Energy

   The leader's most important job is to take care of the people who take care of people.

   Ordinary leaders in hospitals and hospices (along with their board members) are forever misunderstanding their key role. They focus too much on bossing people around as if they were General Patton (left). Instead, they need to care for caregivers.  

   Ordinary leaders obsess about finance and technology at the expense of mission. Loving leaders never make this error. They understand that operational issues are secondary to the work leaders do to support and care for the first line staff.

   In more than thirty years of work as a healthcare CEO, I've learned that success turns heavily on the way in which leaders care for staff, most of whom are women. If this is done successfully, caregiving thrives and so does the hospital or hospice.

   If the leader creates a climate of fear or, alternatively, tolerates mediocrity, then fear and/or mediocrity become rampant.

   A difficult issue often arises here. Hospitals and hospices are staffed,as mentioned, primarily by women. They are led, predominately, by men. Most hospital boards are also populated by men. This frequently creates a clash of female and male energy.

   I have seen many kind-hearted nurses take on surprising amounts of "boss-type" behavior when they are promoted to leadership. This may be because they are trained (if at all) by male leaders. It may also be that the predominant leadership model in American society is command-control based rather than a love-based partnership model

   Most men were raised in cultures that encourage aggression and competition. Most women were raised in environments where care and kindness prevailed.

   Male energy (whether it occurs in a male of female) rises from the primitive need to attack, hunt, and provide. Female energy (whether it rise up in a female or male) may express itself naturally in supporting harmony and receptivity.

   Men may tend to bark orders in a way that offends the feelings of some women.This can cause some female caregivers to shift their energy from efficiency to nursing their hurt.

   When this dynamic occurs, loving care suffers.

   The answer is easy to articulate but can be hard to practice. When I went from being a federal prosecutor to leading a hospital, I immediately encountered difficulty with this. Trial lawyers (and their clients) thrive on aggression in courtrooms that reward wins, not kind relationships.

   Soon, it became clear to me that I needed to moderate my tendency to compete and replace it with a focus on compassion as well as skill.

   Hospitals need to be bastions of caregiving which requires compassion as well as competence.

   Perhaps, the solution is to find a balance between the assertiveness of males and the receptivity of females so that both may accomplish what is best for patients and families.

   How do caregivers relate to leaders? Loving leaders understand that they do not (except in cases of high emergency) need to be "bosses" ordering staff around like sergeants commanding soldiers.    

   The core of the best leadership is always grounded in love. Whatever the question, Love is the answer.

-Erie Chapman

Days 69-70 - The Second Relationship - Caregiver to Caregiver

   Love flows strong when it's carriers are true.

   In the whispers of our hearts, fear dances beside Love's spirit, watching for an opening. Hospice and Hospital caregivers live within teams where Love brings truth and fear drives anger and, sometimes, deception. 

   First line caregivers live each day with a minefield of worries: Did I give the right medication? Did I respond quickly enough to my patient's needs? Is my supervisor going to lay me off? Did the surgeon and I remove all the sponges from the patient in the operating room?

   Physician caregivers face similar concerns including lawsuits, paperwork and the steady barrage of questions that come from the ill and injured. If they are sued, they may see their colleagues inch away from them, as if fearful that lawsuits are contagious.

   Loving care requires that caregivers look after each other as well as themselves. When fear is the driving feeling, team members can feel like rivals instead of partners. In fear, caregivers may find themselves reveling in the misfortunes of others.

   When Love predominates, caregivers see themselves and their team as engaged, together, in sacred work. They seek the success of the team because this means the patient and family receive the best care.

   What of mistakes? This is where truth-telling is not only best for the patients but crucial to good care. Instead of condemning teammates for errors we need to support them in both telling the truth and correcting mistakes.

   As for exhaustion, great teams always watch out for the energy levels of their colleagues. Stepping into the breach to give another a rest brings energy to all.

   Supervisors, of course, can make a huge difference in group culture by ensuring they are encouraging a supportive environment. But, the focus of this relationship is caregiver-to-caregiver support. Many hands, one goal. The power of the peer group is always strong.

   Radical Love calls team members to nurture their relationships with their team even when they may feel angry and resentful. Everyone knows what happens when a team practices loving care with each other as well as with patients. Everyone knows what happens to caregiving when fear, anger, jealousy and complaints become the daily mantra.

   What would we rather have in the culture of our team, Love or fear?

   Why wait for supervisors to solve every team issue for us? Why not be the who can reaches out to others to resolve, to forgive, to support and to live Love? This is the whisper in our hearts that needs to find voice in our actions. This is the whisper that says we are all children of God.

-Rev. Erie Chapman, J.D. 

Days 67-68 - The First Relationship - Caregiver to Caregiver

    In the ancient story, a man steps from the road to help a wounded stranger who is thought by other passsersby to be untouchable. The helper, famously referred to as The Good  Samaritan, does much more for the stranger, going far beyond the small politenesses we see all the time. He does what he can not only to help, but to heal..

   In telling this story, Jesus described the meaning of Radical Loving Care - of what Love looks like in its fuller expression. 

   Why did Jesus need to remind us of the richer colors of Love's light?

   Along a hospital corridor in the middle of the night, a housekeeper puts down her mop, walks into the rooms of a man in pain, and holds his hand. Why is this unusual?

   In the streets of Calcutta, amid the shattered remnants of a neighborhood in Haiti, and in the rubble of collapsed buildings in Chile, a small number of strong human beings reach out to help a large number of weakened ones.

   In a northeastern hospital, a nurse leans to help an elderly man. In the neonatal intensive care unit of a southern hospital, a nurse strokes the back of a terminally ill baby who is beyond medical help. Her touch cannot save the life of the baby, so why does she do this?

   In the middle of a cold-as-steel night, a doctor in a rural Wisconsin town of the 1950s, rises from his warm bed and travels through ice and snow to help a mother deliver triplets in her tiny home. The family is too poor to pay him. Why does he do this?

   Perhaps the very first examples of the caregiver-to patient-relationship turns our eyes back to the most primary example of all. In the time before civilations, the earliest mothers nursed their newborns. In another expression of love, fathers stood guard to protect mother and baby, occasionally leaning in to help, often hunting and gathering food to share.

   A mother's love. That is our first encounter with caregiving. If we are lucky, we feel the taste of Radical Loving Care in our first minutes of life. 

   Often, when I describe Radical Loving Care to leaders, they act as if I've told them the most obvious thing in the world. "Of course," they say, "I know what love is."

   Yet, it is clear that the vast majority of leaders have either no idea or no intention of truly supporting the expression of Radical Loving Care in the workplace. In the operation of the modern hospital, Love often falls down the priority list, replaced with fear-driven energy focused on bottom-line performance. Efficiency is accomplished through threats. Leaders engage in savage strategizing aimed at stealing market share from competitors (some of which were also founded as non-profit charities.) 

   For these organizations, mission is window-dressing. Instead, they are engaged in Mission fraud, deceiving the public into thinking their main objective is loving care when in fact the primary goal is to profit from treating the illnesses of others.

   There is, of course, nothing wrong wtih financial stewardship, attention to efficiency, and strategic thinking. There is everything wrong with driving caregiving by fear rather than with Love. When hospitals and hospices make these tactics the be-all of their daily work, they undermine loving care and betray both patients and loving caregivers..

   The very first hospitals were founded by churches to provide a place for the weak and vulnerable to find shelter and care, not for executives and huge corporations to profit. 

   The most basic and crucial of the four relationships is that of caregiver to patient. All other encounters must be designed to support this foundational expression of Love.  

   Caregivers need to support each other. Leaders need to take care of the people who take care of people. Caregivers need to care for themselves to they can care for others.

   Yet the core relationship is caregiver to patient. It is in this encounter where Love can find its most sacred expression.

-Erie Chapman

*Photo of nurse and patient is by Tia Chapman, for the Hartford Courant.

Do You Want to be Right, or Honest?

"All we need to do is cleanse the door of perception, and we shall see things as they are-infinite." ~William Blake

Increasingly, we live in a world of habitual thinking with all-or-nothing terms. Our mind interprets what we see by making comparisons between what is good or evil, right or wrong, with a win or lose attitude. We make distinctions and classify in an oversimplified manner. As we judge we are quick to dismiss what does not fit in with our preconceived notions. Rigid thinking does not leave room for a both/and option. To lump people into categories and label them distorts reality. Herein, lies a great danger, we can lose sight of a real person who loves and suffers as we do. We can risk becoming enemies.

Today dualistic thinking is especially prevalent in public forums. One need only turn on a T.V. or talk radio to hear arguments with ranting and raving, name-calling and blaming about liberals versus conservatives. People yell over one another to make their point without an intention of listening to understand the other person. Unfortunately, thinking about complex issues this way leads to polarization. These extreme viewpoints lack any middle ground and can escalate to the point of paralysis. This is readily apparent as  congress's stalemates on several important issues.  

Globally, one of the major obstacles to peace in our world is polarized thinking. Recently, I listened to an inspiring interview by Krista Tippit on Speaking of Faith (http://publicradio.org, No More Taking Sides, Feb.,18, 2010.) The program highlighted an unlikely friendship between two people who had suffered tremendous loss. Robi Damelin is an Israeli woman who lost her son to the bullet of a Palestinian sniper and Ali Abu Awwad is a Palestinian who lost his brother to an Israeli soldier’s gunfire. Tragedy has brought these two together along with a growing number of Palestinians and Israelis who are turning suffering into hopeful possibilities.

Damelin made this appeal, “Stop taking sides. Please do not be pro-Israel, please do not be pro-Palestine. Look for a solution. Because if you're pro one of us, you're not helping.” Ali Abu Awwad elaborated, “If you want to be right, it's very easy.  But to be honest, it's very difficult. Nobody wants to be honest. Everybody wants to be right, and this is the problem. Being honest, it means not to give up. Being honest, it means to be a human. And if you consider yourself as a judge, you have to be honest. And if you consider yourself as a democratic country, you have to be honest. And if you consider yourself as a human, you don't have just to feel sorry about that, but to understand what the other needs to live as a human and to give them those needed by understanding their pain and by representing your pain as a human to allow them to understand you. I feel that I start discovering many things. I start discovering the fear of the other side. I start realizing why we don't want to recognize each other, because we are afraid, because we cannot deal with daily suffering, because the Jewish cannot deal with the history of the Holocaust and so on, so because the Palestinian cannot deal with the daily occupation life. And the life doesn't become better, but it became possible.”

In Richard Rohr’s enlightening book called “The Naked Now,” he posits that we impose this all-or-nothing mentality on ourselves too. Unable to live up to the demands of flawlessness we deny, repress, or become hypocrites because we can never be worthy enough, pious enough, or perfect enough. Rohr  encourages us to embrace the tensions in our lives, “Any allowing of the hidden side of things, the “more” side of things –while also holding the attractive and knowable side- usually marks the beginning of non-dual consciousness.” Rohr reminds us that we are spiritual beings who are learning to become fully human. To be human is to be vulnerable. Can we let go of this struggle for perfection with acceptance of one another?  If we open to one another, person to person to share our story, we begin to see with a new awareness. We recognize our shared human experience, our shared pain, our unity.

  I believe one of the best ways to get beyond resistance is through contemplative prayer. This is an essential practice of learning to be quiet and listening for Love’s unconditional response.

 Today, let us take some time to sit quietly with this question, Do you want to be right, or do you want to live Love?

~Liz Wessel

Day 64 - Love Amid Conflict

   In the face of conflict, Love may elude us. Instead, arguments trigger fear and awaken our ancient fight or flight response.

   The inherent intensity of the hospital experience guarantees that caregivers will routinely encounter conflict. When arguments arise, the challenge to rediscover Love is immense. Success in meeting this challenge is crucial in order to serve the needs of others

   Who will take the first step to resolve conflict when it rises up? Once again, I turn to the striking eloquence of John O'Donohue:

"Now is the time for one of you to be gracious,
To allow a kindness beyond thought and hurt,
Reach out with sure hands
To take the chalice of your love,
And carry it carefully through this echoless waste
Until this winter pilgrimage leads you
Toward the gateway to spring."

   May we all find Love in the midst of turmoil.

-Erie Chapman

Days 62-63 - Inside the Four Relationships

"...perhaps a world/ That is quietly sensed/ Across the air/ In another's heart/ Becomes the inner companion/ To one's own unknown."  - John O'Donohue

   A striking film called "In the Life of Another" (soulbiographies.com) features 93 year-old Alison Wood (at left) discussing some of the magical meetings in her long life.. A phrase appears on screen, "Is it possible that love could run unnannounced through the encounters of your life?"

   In just one of her stories, Ms. Wood discusses caring for a mentally ill children including one who was self abusive. "Does it help you to cut yourself?" she asked the boy. "Now that I know someone cares whether I do, I'll leave off doing that now," the boy said.

   "Is it possible that we have an important role to play in the life of another?" the film asks. Clearly, the answer is yes. Caregivers live most powerfully through relationship. We often don't know how impactful our loving acts may be.

   To bring each of the four relationships of Radical Loving Care alive in our work, we need to reflect on what loving relationships look like and what they can mean.

   My sister Martha has worked as a receptionist at The Toledo Hospital for nearly thirty years. Most of her encounters are, by the nature of her job, brief. Some people wouldn't call her a caregivers. But, I do. Her warmth and helpfulness have made many of her encounters sacred, sometimes in surprising ways.

   For example, every morning, as Martha arrives for the morning shift, she always smiles and says hello to the folks from the night shift as they head for their cars. She told me that one particular nurse never responded to her greeting and would always walk by in silence. One morning, after more than a year of this, the nurse handed Martha a note. "I'm very shy," the nurse wrote, "but, I just want you to know that your warm greeting morning after morning, has meant the world to me. Thank you for caring." 

   It's one thing to list and describe the four relationships of loving caregiving. It's another to open our hearts deeply enough so that these relationships become sacred encounters. That's what happened for Martha and the shy nurse in their one-second encounters at dawn.

   Sometimes, I believe the notion of sacredness in encounters is over-dramatized. Encounters can take on a holy feeling when Love meets a patient in deep pain. Yet, as Martha's story signals, small gestures like a smile or a simple touch on the hand by a caring stranger can also take on a sacredness of their own. So can a laugh. So can, even, a glance.

   Caregiver Lois Powers, a cafeteria cashier at Baptist Hospital for twenty five years (she's now retired demonstrated this every day. As she took cash and made change, she would tell a joke or, if the next person seemed sad (perhaps having just left a loved one in pain) she would just touch her hand.

   Often, caregivers tell me: "I don't have time to be loving to every single person I meet. I have too many patients." These caregivers have too strict an idea of what is involved in sacred encounters.

   It doesn't have to take a long time to share Love. It doesn't always require that we sit down and gaze deeply into the eyes of another while listening for two hours.

   What matters is that we listen "across the air" to the heart of another. When we go to that place, even if for a moment, we can engage Love's energy, sometimes in a way that is profoundly healing.

   Yes, we can live Love with every person we encounter. You've seen people that do this and so have I. These are the caregivers who model for us what it means to live with grace.

-Erie Chapman

Days 60-61 - Sacred Encounters Through The Four Relationships

"In order to become attentive to beauty, we need to rediscover the art of reverence." John O'Donohue

    Dr. Nick Baird enters the delivery room to help a mother bring her baby into the world. He has delivered hundred of babies. This mother has never delivered. Soon, her baby will encounter his first day in the world.

    Alive Hospice Nurse Lisa Graham enters the home of a thirty-four-year old woman who is close to death. Lisa will be present when her patient spends her last day on earth.

   Between the first and last days of life other caregivers experience so many enounters there is a great risk that new encounters will lose meaning for them.

   Any encounter can be sacred. Sacredness depends on loving intention as well as action. Holiness is not reserved for church. It can enter random interactions with strangers,or with the earth as well as with friends and family.

   Some of our most precious relationships are with people we love. Still, our behavior can easily fall into patterns we live by rote.

   There is no light when we live by rote. The sense of the sacred, the art of reverence, vanishes.

   How do we continue to be vehicles of God's healing Love when we have fallen into rote behaviors? In some ways, we have to "die" to our old way of being so that we may be reborn. Our rebirth enables us to more fully practice "the art of reverence."  

   Radical Loving Care focuses on four relationships that form the basis for sacred encounters in caregiving. These encounters may be visualized by imagining two intersecting circles with three parts: Circle One represents the patient in need, Circle Two represents the caregiver, Circle Three is the area where the circles intersect.

   When Love is present, the intersection is illuminated by God. When Love is absent, the encounter becomes simply a worldly transaction.

   The art of reverence in relationships begins with the very first encounter we have. It is with our mothers. We are placed at our mother's breast and there we receive our very first nourishment. Whether we are nourished with Love as well depends upon those we encounter and how we come to encounter the world. These early experiences we have with Love (or its absence) are one factor that impacts our ability to be carriers of God's Love.

   Of course, we have thousands of encounters each day. In caregiving, though, we can practice the art of reverence by imagining four basic types of relationships:

1) Caregiver to Patient - This is the foundational relationship of caregiving

2) Caregiver to Caregiver - We need Love and support and we need to support our fellow caregivers.

3) Caregiver to Leader - As I have often written, the most important role of a healthcare leader is to take care of the people who take care of people. Caregivers can draw strength from leaders. If the leader is not living love, the caregiver needs to look to other energy.

4) Caregiver to Self - Our encounter with Love is grounded in whether we can experience (or learn to experience) God's Love in our personal lives. Our relationship with ourselves depends on how we engage Love's energy through our own encounters with God within us.

   Loving caregivers are tuning their hearts for sacred encounters all the time. Neuro-Intensive Care nurse Deadre Hall has played inspiring music to herself every day for more than thirty years. She waits in her car until she feels ready, within herself, to enter the hospital to encounter her patients, her co-workers and her leaders. She is one of the most wonderful caregivers I have encountered in more than thirty years of healthcare leadership. Part of this is because she understands that she needs to consciously re-engage her heart in order to deliver the kind of healing her patients need.

   We are surrounded by beauty all the time. As we begin to recognize beauty in places we have never noticed it before - in the wrinkles of an elderly patient, in the light as it shapes itself around a painting that has been on our wall so long we've stopped seeing it, and in the eyes (not the face or that hair) we see in the mirror every morning.

   Beauty is always present because God is always present. When we practice the art of reverence, we are living a prayer to God.

-Rev. Erie Chapman