The way I became aware that I was spending too much time on the computer was when my access to it was temporarily cut off over the last four days. Traveling and a computer malfunction were the reasons. And I became like any contemporary American who faces the loss of electricity in a storm. The candle light is soothing for awhile. And then the power returns and we rapidly forget the comfort of the candlelit moments.
Stranded back in the real world (whatever that is) I found myself feeling anxious about my isolation from email and the internet. I discovered, also, that I was tired. This Journal, through which I campaign for meditation, rest, and times of silence, has, at times, become the enemy of relaxation for me. At the end of a regular work day, I have felt compelled to write something to you. And it has mostly been a gift to me to be able to offer whatever thoughts occur...
The heart of truth, however, is that I have nothing new to offer. The best reason for the Journal is not the launching of new wisdom but the chance to offer support and a sense of universal community to caregivers.
Someone pointed out to me how the word "encourage" contains the word "courage." As obvious as that is, I had never noticed it. So I thought about how overcoming fatigue is sometimes more about courage than it is about rest.
Sometimes, I am encouraged by the numbers the Journal generates. According to the tracking system this blog employs, about a hundred people come to read the Journal each day. Seventeen percent are from outside the United States.
We have no way of determining specifically who comes to the Journal unless they post a comment. Even then, not everyone uses their real name or real email address.
We have a lovely cadre of about five or six people who regularly comment in this space. This group is very encouraging to me because the main point of a blog is to stimulate comment and to enrich relationships among caregivers.
But the main beneficiary of this Journal is probably me. In spite of my whining about fatigue, I am the one who most often gains the benefit of journaling on this tiny public stage.
When you are tired, what brings you energy? Sometimes, when I'm most worn out, as I am this evening, I find a strange kind of energy comes from forcing myself to do something physical, like moving around, or something mental, like a crossword puzzle. If energy returns, it means my spirit was not as tired as I thought because it had the power to will the rest of me into a state of higher energy.
But sometimes, of course, we really do need to rest. And in our rest, we may wait for the return of the energy that allows us to engage the world.
