Our distrust is very expensive.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
A recent story from the Gannett News Service headlines: “25 percent of people have no confidants, study says.”
Putting aside the odd nature of such a study (how does a respondent “confide” personal information to a stranger on the phone?) it’s helpful to consider the significant implications of this report.
The study, reported in American Sociological Review, advises that in 1985, a typical American (let me know when you find one of those) had three people in whom to confide. By 2004, the number had dropped to two, and one person out of four had no close confidant.
If this study is accurate, we can, like the author, make some educated guesses on why this may be true: The impact of suburban living, the myriad electronic distractions – televisions, iPods, computers (including the one on which you’re reading this column,) more time at work, less at home. And if any of these things are so, does this mean we are less in need of confidants than we were in 1985?
In 1999, at Nashville’s Baptist Hospital, I initiated a series of fifteen “circle groups” among the one hundred fifty managers who were responsible for leading, among them, over three thousand employee partners. The groups met weekly and always began with a single question: “How are you doing?” In these ten member groups, each person was given three to five minutes to share with the rest of the group how things were going at home and at work. Guided by facilitators, leaders took varying levels of risk in their sharing. Some stayed cautious, offering the most limited information. Others went deeper sharing, on occasion, family problems so severe that tears would flow.
The positive outcome of this two year experiment may have contributed significantly to improving the culture of caring in that 700-bed hospital. How do we plant cultures of Radical Loving Care? Key ingredients include training managers to listen to the deep needs of others. In the groups, we modeled some of the practices essential to leaders fulfilling their most important role: taking care of the people who take care of people.
When leaders learn, in a group setting, to listen to the personal needs of others, and find the courage to share some of their own needs in environment of trust, then they are better able to provide compassionate presence to their partners.
Exercise:
· Initiate Caring Circles (described in more detail in both Radical Loving Care, and Sacred Work) in your hospital or charity.
· Keep the meetings simple and limited to one question: “How are you doing?” (both at work and at home).
· Build a ring of confidentiality around the group so that nothing from the circle discussion is discussed outside the circle.
· Allow people to “Pass” if they don’t feel like sharing.
· Follow the Parker Palmer guideline about advice: Don’t offer any. Just listen with compassion and respect.
· Be persistent in building the group. It takes a while for seeds to grow – and it takes nurturing.
· Don’t expect instant or dramatic results.
