Back when my daughter (left) was a teenager, she noticed an important way to figure out what presents to give to someone else. "Notice the kinds of gifts they give to you. It's usually a clue to the kind of thing they want."
Okay. I admit I'm one of those guys that likes electronics. But, I also know not to give my wife something like that. I made that mistake once about forty years ago. I haven't made it since, at least with her. But, there is another side to my daughter's wisdom.
In three decades of running hospitals and health care organizations, I've noticed that most people love a particular kind of gift: sincere praise. Some need it much more than others. How do we know which ones like this "gift?"
If you know someone who offers lots of praise, that's probably a signal that they appreciate receiving it. The confusing thing about this is our western tendency to deflect praise. If I tell someone they're great and they say, "Well, not really," does that mean they are they throwing away my gift without even opening it? How do I know if I should keep giving this person this gift?
The answer is that the gift of sincere affirmation is rarely wasted and hard (but not impossible) to give away too much. We all like to think we're self-sufficient and don't need praise. It is also true that in order to live in society, we need to find clues that help us determine if our actions are pleasing in the sight of others. The balance can be tricky.
As someone who grew up with a father who heaped lots of praise on me (and occasional blame) I may have come to depend too much on what others thought and to crave their approval. Love, as always, provides the best answer for us. Accepting ourselves as loved enables us to know how to affirm the divine in others.
In case of doubt, give the gift of honest praise. If you are one who has trouble doing this, think of something about the other person that is genuinely appealing. When you share that, you will have done your part in affirming the gifts of another. By the way, this gift has a special magic for the giver that is a part of all sincere gifts of Love.
Caregivers are chronically under-praised. Today, and everyday, thank a caregiver you know.
-Erie Chapman
Praise can mean so much to someone but,only if it is honest and sincere. Praise can come in many forms a smile,hug,direction and/or guidance just to mention a few. People ask the simple question all the time of "how are you" and most of them could care less so, I believe that you shouldn't ask a question if you don't want to listen to their response. Listening and being sincere are really a way of praising that person because you are investing your time and interest with them. If we aren't sincere in our inner actions with everyone we meet,help,listen to or inspire we are fake, self centered, uncaring and it means nothing. Honest praise to me comes in many forms and can be used in various ways. I think that people can tell the different between the fake and the sincere forms of praise. An open ear and a sympathic caring heart means so much to people we come in contact with. We are our brother s keeper and if we don't care who will?
Posted by: Barbara Scott | July 10, 2009 at 01:42 PM
Wow, words of wisdom Barb! I especially value your ending question and your participation in this dialogue.
I really appreciate this remarkable meditation today, so much so, that I sent it to some of my friends with a note of praise for what I love in them. I have long recognized how masterful you are, Erie at offering praise. I believe this is because you have the ability to see divine beauty in others and because of your genuine love of caregivers.
Unlike your dad, my father had a more difficult time offering praise and showing his love. I recall when I graduated from college with my RN degree, my dad expressed praise for my accomplishment. Then he said to me, “I never thought you could do it.” He never realized how those words cut through my heart. Never the less, the lack of praise I received has been an equally strong motivator in my seeking out affirmation and approval from others.
I think I can speak for all caregivers when I say, thank you for your sincere gifts of love that are always received with immense gratitude.
Posted by: ~liz Wessel | July 10, 2009 at 03:05 PM
Thank you, Barbara and Liz. You the two of the caregivers I would like to affirm today!
Liz, you and I are both so sensitive to the kind of unintentionally cutting remark your father made to you so long ago. Those kind of random comments can be heartbreaking for so many. Congratulations for all you've done for others. The moment I meet you, I knew you were a blessing to your patients and "I knew you COULD do it!:-)"
Posted by: Erie Chapman | July 10, 2009 at 03:51 PM
Today's posting and responses are a serious lesson to me. Barb is right in how we need to be sincere in communicating with others. Often I'm guilty to rush through a salutation of hello, and "how are you" without truly paying attention. This time and conversation is a gift and should be shared in a sincere setting. Praise is also a process that should be taken in, and not taken or given lightly.
Sincerity does shine and stands for more than the fake "run through" of conversation. I've got to pay more attention. Lastly, I told Liz earlier I couldn't wait to read this to learn how best to identify the right gift. What a nice surprise to learn that it is one I appreciate, but rarely think of. How embarrassed was I to see pureness of these acts, but I admit it is one of the best gifts to give from sincerity - and to receive!
Posted by: Victoria Facey | July 10, 2009 at 07:05 PM
Thank you for such a beautiful meditation today Erie!
I was one of the lucky people to receive words of kindness and praise from my dear friend Liz. I can tell you after a hard week it felt really nice to receive such kindness and praise. It was as stated above a gift. Thank you again Liz for your words of adoration!
As my very wise friend Barbara stated above, too many people just rush through the steps of life never slowing down enough to truly offer themselves to others, never truly receiving the gift of friendship. I have learned over the years how important something as simple as giving your time, a smile, a hug, or an ear to listen with truly is for someone. Giving of oneself is the best gift of all.
Posted by: MFM | July 11, 2009 at 12:56 AM
My father introduced me last week at his Kiwanis Club meeting with the words, "I don't know what we would do without her." It was unexpected and frankly it continues to mean so much to me. My father has always tended to praise his children to others, not to his children directly. I hope my helpfulness to my parents is not dependent on their acknowledgment of it - but it sure doesn't hurt.
Posted by: Diana Gallaher | July 12, 2009 at 12:55 AM
I find myself yearning for praise from my loved ones, especially from my parents or my husband's parents. I am often disappointed because I am mostly invisable to them. Because of this feeling of invisability I recognize this need in myself to be noticed and reaffirmed. I believe Erie's statement on how to gage if someone needs affiramtion is by how often the other person gives praise to others. How true this is for me. I am continually looking for the good to point out in others, like to my little sister who also feels invisible and to coworkers who may not feel their job is as important as someone else's in the dept. Thank you so much for this reflection.
Posted by: Kelly Roberts | July 15, 2009 at 12:32 PM